Cider. Nectar of the gods, or at least of people too lazy to brew beer. Technically all you need to brew cider is apples and sloth as you can run unwashed apples through a press then bottle the results after a few weeks. However, not everyone has access to a press, fresh apples, cheesecloth for straining pulp, and patience. So here is a quick guide to brewing cider that also serves as a good general introduction to homebrewing.

To start with: we are dealing with things that bridge the gap between “food” and “poison.” Everything below is to be done entirely at your own risk. In fact I will save you the trouble and say don’t do anything below. Just don’t. Go read a book or something. Preferably on Jimmy Carter, for whom we can somewhat thank for legalizing the forthcoming mess.