Via Waxy, a story about why one ten-year attendee is skipping SXSW this year. Considering the volume of boring newsfluff pouring out this year, I’m not in the least bit surprised.

“Yeah, if they take what I say seriously, they’ve got a real big problem.” Miss Piggy, a puppet, calls out Fox News as not being news, but the fact that she did so was not in fact news. In other non-news, my head hurts.

Former THL fave Chuck Klosterman turned a misinformed rant on an album into an incredibly stupid commentary on gender, prompting rebuttals all involving different varieties of the phrase “Old Man Yelling” to varying effect. However, Jen is the only one to connect the dots and realize that if Klosterman isn’t our generation’s Andy Rooney, he soon will be.

Does anyone actually think building a 5 story boat warehouse in the middle of Matheson Hammock is a good idea? Didn’t think so. Find out more and sign the petition here.

The best part about the SOPA blackouts? Watching people on Twitter flip the hell out.

Mid to late January is good for one thing only: waiting for February, which itself is only good for contemplating suicide. So here are some links to take your mind off the fact that you’re not being showered in gifts and egg nog at the present moment.

• Is it funny that I’m posting this on SOPA blackout day? I mean I think it’s funny that I’m posting this on SOPA blackout day. How to access Wikipedia on SOPA blackout day. Also: the R.I.A.A. is still staffed by total dicks (even when it isn’t SOPA blackout day).
• Fake product reviews are the glue that hold internet comedy together.
• Did not wearing a helmet save Gene Hackman’s life when he was hit by a car while cycling in Key West? Of course not, but assuming that helmets are the one-size-fits-all answer to bicycle safety only creates a false sense of security, argue the folks over at Lovely Bicycle.
• Between the Republican Primary catfights and football, there have been a lot of non-story stories going around. To that end: Tim Tebow exists, and people write godawful crap about him.
• Related, sort of not really: G.O.P.-Friendly Super PAC or Mary J. Blige Album?
• The Story of my Life, bro.
• Tax season is more or less upon us and yet again I seem to be the only person I know who actually does their own return. If you can add and you actually care about people, AARP is still accepting volunteer applications for their Tax-Aide program. I’ll be writing about my own experiences doing volunteer tax prep shortly.
• I’m going to go on record and say that the last Magnetic Fields albums was farcically disappointing. “Oh you people like goofy pop songs? Well here’s 30 minutes of overproduced chamber music. Hope you like harpsichords!” Anyway, people seem to have high hopes for the next album Love At The Bottom Of The Sea, the first single for which is streaming online now. It features guys in drag and is woefully short. Fun!
• In closing, someone needs to get Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd on the phone.

In case you missed the opening of Sections at General Practice yesterday, make sure to check out the show tomorrow at Roofless Records’ first fundraiser on NYE at the space.

Also, last night there was more sweaty dancing and delightful hip hop at The Garret’s first night at Grand Central Peachfuzz, so hit that up next Friday.

Tonight, make sure to say bye-bye to the boys of Ice Cream at Eve.

I happened to be over at Miami Art Museum the other day, and Michael Balbone, who you might know from Less Concept More Action or because he creates amusing and amazing works of art, has revamped the museum’s gift shop. It’s now filled with items that your family will want, well, your family that knows the Miami art scene or has a stellar sense of humor. Check out this madness here.

We love everything Bleeding Palm does over here at THL. We’re super creepy mega-fans, and that’s the honest truth. We like them better than we like ourselves. That is why I wrote up a post about their newest site on the Florida Turnpike for the Miami New Times. Make sure to click on it and poke around and appreciate Bleeding Palm’s sick mind(s).

The story of Pinochle written by KT Kieltyka for The Hairpin reminds me so much of my own delusional yet magic filled youth. I can’t even begin to tell you the things I believed for too long. I hope I have kids one day that trust the lies I tell them till they’re in middle school. Life’s too short. Enjoy.

According to this recent Herald article on the “brain drain” of young professionals leaving South Florida, the top 5 cities with the greatest net loss of 25 to 34 year olds are L.A., New York, Chicago, Detroit and Miami. In other words: 3 places with traditionally high ebbs and flows of residents, one dying industrial city, and then Miami. Not sure what to draw from this except to say it apparently sucks to be young and in SoFla and thus the obvious answer is to build a casino. Or something.

So, I saw The Cost play a while ago at Bar. I thought they were pretty good for dudes who, I don’t think, actually knew how to play anything a few weeks prior. They’ve gotten better since and I will say, I honestly think they’re like worth seeing. I interviewed them boy band style for the Miami New Times. Check them out this Saturday opening for the Jacuzzi Boys, Holly Hunt, and Honey Train at Churchill’s.

Click here right now cause one of THL’s favorite Miami bands Holly Hunt is on Squelch TV at 11 p.m. If you don’t know, learn about The Laundry Room Squelchers here.

Sarah Glidden is a cartoonist living in Brooklyn. While in town last week for the Miami Book Fair, she paid a visit to Occupy Miami and drew the people she met and the stories they had to share. Check out the short comic she made here!

The Miami New Times’ annual People Issue will probably be stacked in green metal boxes all over town by tomorrow, but today, it’s up online. Read about Jimbo Luznar of Jimbo’s, activist Vanessa Brito, and Oba Ernesto Pichardo. I mention them in particular because they’re interesting people, and, of course, because I wrote those. Enjoy!

If you watch just one minute of Patrick Swazye at a disco with a PBR today, make this that minute.

Here’s my review of opening night of Radio-Active Records in Fort Lauderdale. They have a good selection and it’s super chill. Even Miami people should bravely cross county lines to check it out.

It’s been said before but it bears repeating: modern Journalism needs to stop screwing itself.