Check out more of Ric’s brilliance on Hot Dogs and Hellfire.

In 1993, a masterpiece was born. Demolition Man, starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, and Sandra Bullock, is a science fiction film based in Utopian San Angeles (a mega city of Southern California), which is about to experience some…problems.

Basic plot summary: John Spartan (Stallone) is cryogenically frozen as part of a punishment for killing a bunch of innocent hostages of Simon Phoenix (Snipes), who also gets frozen as part of a punishment in the near future of 1996, while frozen Southern California transforms into a Utopian land led by omniscient ruler Dr. Raymond Cocteau (Nigel Hawthorn).

After 36 years, Phoenix is up for parole, and after he is defrosted from his icey prison, murders a bunch of motherfuckers. Later we find out that Cocteau revived Phoenix to hunt down a man named Edgar Friendly (Denis Leary), who is the leader of a group of subversive rebels called the Wastelanders, who only want to return to a normal, non-Utopian way of life.

Spartan is then revived from his frozen slumber to capture Phoenix, which he eventually does in a very awesome frozen-head-exploding sort of way, has cyber sex with his sidekick Lenina Huxley (Bullock), and hams up the entire movie in a blaze of fireworks, explosives, and anti-cursing-machine paper-expelling expletives.

And, of course, there’s the whole thing with the 3 sea shells.

That’s Demolition Man on the surface, but is that where the story ends? No way, and call me crazy, but I think there’s a whole 2,600 word essay that I can pull out of this seemingly nonsensical movie.

Are you currently huddled on your couch, shaking under the blankets while awaiting the rapture on Saturday? Why not watch a few end of the world films to pass your final hours? Here are a few lesser known selections for your viewing (dis)pleasure.

Okay. So basically this is an article about trying to write an article. It’s weird, a little convoluted, and not for anyone who doesn’t like long blog posts, but it’s sort of explainable and interesting. It involves the Borscht Film Festival, the film La Pageant Diva, and represents a surreal journey through publicity, glamour, image, Miami, alcohol, film, and journalism.

It started the night of the festival.

Needing a break from the long first set, around the Hitchcock Rick Ross short, an underpaid New Times writer named J.J. went to smoke a cigarette and grab a beer. In the hallway, he met this stunning brunette who introduced herself as “being in one of the films.” She had an entourage, a manager, some tall baller-ish looking date, and that fourth wheel that rounds out an entourage, the Turtle character-type. Anyway, J.J. told them he wrote for New Times and they converged on him with handshakes and a card that read “Team Caroline Schwitzky.” The manager said Caroline was on the cover of the Miami New Times a few weeks back. Caroline seemed bored about the whole thing because “her film” La Pageant Diva was on second to last. Her restlessness sort of appealed to J.J., who fancied the girl a lil diva, thus appealing to his inquisitive sensibilities.

by Farrah Farley

The Onion published How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be? 30 Million People Wonder over a year ago. Yeah, it’s funny, but the message is one people should have been listening to. It sort of seems no one really cares about the pollution they create except for a handful of hippies and nonprofits (in Austin) and a few “green celebrities” out there concerned in between filming moneymakers.

If you fancy yourself an environmentalist, or, at the very least, want to do something to help others reduce their carbon footprint, consider submitting a short 30 second to 3 minute film for the Second Annual Films for the Forest Fest. FREE to enter, it’s run by the nonprofit Rainforest Partnership and it will be screened in Austin on June 16 in front of a huge audience and 3 well-respected judges: Elizabeth Avellán, Ed Begley Jr., Richard Linklater, and Paul Stekler.

I am nothing if not cynical. And I’m especially cynical about pop music – I have no need for it. I roll my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist, shutting my ears to it. When invited by friends to see the Justin Bieber movie on opening night there was no question – I would absolutely not be wasting money on that 3D propaganda piece and subjecting my eardrums to toxic overproduced bubblegum noise, even if it warranted a laugh or two. Because Bieber is a sure-fire sign of the impending apocalypse, right? But the event evolved into a girl’s night out, a tongue-in-cheek outing replete with homemade Bieber t-shirts and party games, so I decided to loosen up and give it a whirl. If nothing else I would have dinner, a story and a laugh.

If you watched The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and you probably did, don’t lie, you were impressed by the absolute classlessness of the participants. How did Bravo get together such a fascinating crew of women??? I asked myself this many, many times as I watched tables fly. I thought, this is great television.

Lucky for us in Miami, the producers of that incredible display of tackiness are back, and they’re looking for people living in South Florida. The Real Housewives of Miami have already puckered their creepy alien lips for the small screen, so cougars, this isn’t for you. Sirens Media is casting for a new show. They’re looking for couples who have recently moved back in with their parents. Yes, it’s true, this is Miami, so most of you have never left your parents’ abode, but let’s say you did move out, met someone special, went broke, had some kids you need help raising, or just missed mom and dad. If you have a personality, send photos, videos, bios and why you’re so awesome that you need to be on TV to casting@sirensmedia.com.

Good luck!