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I don't think I hate LeBron James anymore

Over the past few years, my friends were having babies. During that time, I learned to watch basketball. Single and broke, it was free and fun and the Miami Heat were winning, and the winning felt really, really good.

But when LeBron announced his betrayal, that he was leaving the Heat to go back home to the Cleveland Cavaliers, I took it a little personally.

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Clickable

Three Words That Do Not Belong Near An NBA Star: Capri Pant Suit. If you need additional words that don’t belong, let’s add double breasted and polka dot.

by , posted May 15, 02:50 PM

Adventures of Christopher Bosh in the Multiverse finally released in full!
This Universe: Still Screwed

Quoth co-director Ronnie Rivera: After a long intergalactic battle with the evil forces at the NBA we are now safe to show people our short film.

I think by “safe” they mean from intergalactic oppression moreso than legal brouhaha but what do I know? Full writeup for the film is on Borscht’s tumblr.

 

NBA players join the workforce: here are some suggested jobs

manute bol

The National Basketball Association’s lockout has reached Day 151 (as of Oct. 30), and is stretching its way into the beginning of the season. Commissioner David Stern rubs his Troll fingers together after canceling a month’s worth of games, and counts the bars of gold he hides under his bed (totally not politically correct to compare a Jewish man to a gold hungry troll). Union Reps feel like the Three Billy Goats Gruff, asking to pass Stern’s toll bridge, while promising a fatter meal in the future. Yet everything stays status quo, and no resolutions are made.

While some superstars play All-Star events, make commercials mocking the stupid things that come out of their mouths, or sign fake contracts to play in Italy, there’s still the 400 or so other players twiddling their thumbs figuratively staring at the walls but actually spending lots and lots of time in strip clubs. I suppose the more disciplined players will spend their time in gyms trying to stay in peak athletic condition, but a lot of players are going to have to find ways to fund their addictions to Cristal, impregnating white women, and buying the newest Bentley in all 8 different colors.

So, before they have to declare bankruptcy and play in the Israeli Basketball Leagues, here is a short list of money making opportunities that put basketball player’s best assets to work:

Cleaning Services
Unfortunately for Home Depot, the NBA lockout will lead to a significant drop in step ladder sales. These guys can get to anything, I’ve seen it happen. Cabinet tops, ceiling moldings, or that corner of your living you can’t quite reach with a broom and there’s been a spider living there for three years and you’ve gotten used to him, even gave him a name, but now that the little guy is gone you’re pretty grateful.

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Tim Tebow Breaks the Mold

tim tebow

If you wanted to create the modern prototype NFL quarterback, preferable the DNA strands would likely come from Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Drew Brees.

Quick, intuitive thinking is part and parcel of flawless mechanics. Defenses are observed, adjusted for, and dissected before the snap of the ball.

Passes snap from fingers, cutting an air current of spiral symphony before rushers corrupt the pocket or defensive backs turn the frame of their face masks to the darting wide receiver on the other end.

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The Marlins, a history: What a long, strange trip it’s been

marlins

What started with a Charlie Hough knuckleball on April 5, 1993 comes to end in Miami Gardens on Wednesday under a humid September night sky. Namely, it’s the tenure of the Florida Marlins at that football stadium planted like a stacked Lego rectangle in the grid of flat, residential suburbs northwest of Miami.

Come next spring, the Marlins move to the aluminum cheeseburger in little Havana. They will alliteratively be “renamed” the Miami Marlins, “rebranded” with new uniforms and a new logo and destined to take on a new direction as a franchise with its own ballpark and hence a stable source of revenue. An ownership group that’s historically loath to spend money seems likely to bring in at least one or two big names in an effort to fill seats at the new digs. Speculation has already started over big-name free agent acquisitions.

As this notable era comes to a close, after a season of bizarre off-the-field circumstances and brutally bad baseball, we should at least attempt to look back at this sometimes strange, sometimes strained, baseball story in South Florida.

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Will the Dolphins be singing a redemption song this season?

danny manichello

In the wake of a turbulent off-season, in the league generally and in Miami particularly, the Dolfan has reason for optimism upon the threshold of the 2011 season, even if it might include the violent outbreaks and personality disorder of the team’s most talented offensive player. The lockout might have had a homogenizing effect on the league. Every team was denied the opportunity to workout in team facilities until the players and owners signed their new collective bargaining agreement on July 25. Rookies and free agents have all been subjected to the same condensed amount of time to learn new play books, new schemes, familiarize themselves with new teammates, figure out the best routes to work, etc. This levels the playing field.

A number of coaching changes for the Fins, including a new offensive coordinator, faced the challenge of installing new systems in a just over a month of prep time. Brian Daboll, the aforementioned OC, arrived from Cleveland with an audible shrug of apathy from most corners. Expectations of Daboll are tempered by the heroic failures of his predecessors. Skeptics, justifiably, will point out that Daboll did not exactly carry the reputation of Offensive Mastermind southward after the Browns offense (ranking 32nd and 29th in total offense over the last two years) excited the casual fan about as much as their eponymous jerseys.

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