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27 responses to the New York Times's 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man


Image courtesy of Ivy League Boys

The following are 27 responses to 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man – published in the Men’s Style section of the New York Times 09/29/15.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

The modern man is married and obsessed with women’s feet. His wife is ok with this most of the time – his wife’s sister, less so.

Rest are after the jump.

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Three Words That Do Not Belong Near An NBA Star: Capri Pant Suit. If you need additional words that don’t belong, let’s add double breasted and polka dot.

by , posted May 15, 02:50 PM

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cowards

My favorite response so far to Susan G. Komen For The Cure’s political decision to pull funding for breast cancer screening from Planned Parenthood.

 

That time I wore a Natural Born Killers soundtrack t-shirt from Suncoast Video.
Don’t be a poser.

No no no no no

Pointless anecdote time!

Whenever I hear the words “band t-shirt” in any random context, it brings me back to a definitively negative event from my youth. It was the fall of my 8th grade year – soon to become the worst year of my entire life (though I didn’t know it yet). I was your typical 14-year-old bespectacled, braces wearing, pizza-faced, depressed chubby loser. Natural Born Killers had just been released and I somehow conned my Dad into buying me a ticket to the movie, which was remarkable in that I was not allowed to see R-rated films, especially not nihilistic gore fests that barely managed to avoid an NC-17 death mark. Might I mention that at this point I still watched the Large Marge scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure through my fingers? Nightmares, for real. Predictably, I chickened out before even going into the theater, too afraid of the violence and Rodney Dangerfield, and went to see something else completely safe and benign and forgettable instead.

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Manly Men Conspicuously Consuming

There is a trend present in our consumptive culture that primarily involves looking backwards for crap to buy, the essence of which seems to be a desire to purchase things that will last or else to eat and take care of ourselves the way our grandparents did. Interests in things like knitting, beer brewing, and growing our own food are all part of this and, to the extent it’s not a shallow excuse for conspicious consumption, it’s generally alright.

Included in this is a collective desire by men to pretend we have blue collar origins. Words like “honest” and “rugged” get thrown around a lot when talking about chambray shirts and handmade leather goods of various shades of absurd. We get suckered by Walt Whitman being used to sell jeans, formerly exclusively an item worn by miners and sailors but eventually becoming the uniform of a counterculture we wish we were actually a part of.

Much of this is just a new flavor of midlife crisis. Men have been buying motorcycles and uneccessary tools since the agricultural revolution drove people into cities and further away from seeing the fruits of their labor. Now though they aren’t buying sportsbikes or powerboats – they’re buying Royal Enfields and wood-masted sailboats. American automakers have been remarkably ahead of the curve by introducing (or re-introducing) primarily retro-styled musclecars to cater to the oh-shit-I’m-old crowd.

So there’s money to be made by selling men fancy handmade retro stuff* to men or otherwise helping them pretend they’re one of the guys on the yacht in a Polo ad. Where there’s money to be made, there’s a blog. Enter Uncrate, Acquire, and Gear Patrol.

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No shitting you, check out Poo Pourri, a perfume for your toilet bowl

poopouri

It’s no surprise that poop is supposed to smell bad. You know the terms “acts like his/her shit don’t stink” or “thinks s/he shits roses.” Doesn’t the stinky nature of excrement serve an evolutionary purpose with the goal of keeping you away from it? It’s not dinner for fuck’s sake!

Of course, some asshole (get it) created this butt perfume and used the tagline, “Spritz the bowl before you go, and no one else will ever know!” The spray sold at Cream in South Miami (there’s a joke there, too) is a blend of nine essential oils and supposedly leaves a “protective film” on the water to eliminate odor when you do as nature intended.

Sure, I can go on and on about Poo Pourri and how strange it is they’re selling this at a high end boutique, but I know your self-conscious ass is gonna run out and buy it anyway. Happy spritzing!

 

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I think this is pretty funny. I guess that means I think that I’m funny since I wrote it. Anyway, it’s a rundown of a few of the oddest ensembles worn at the 2011 MTV VMAs. Enjoy!

by , posted Aug 29, 04:03 PM

So It Seems are bringing artist-made, Miami-influenced T-shirts to the world

so it seems 2

T-shirt nerds, you’re in for a treat. A new brand of tops are coming out of South Florida, ready to grace your sweaty Miami chests.

So It Seems is here. It’s a good name for a T-shirt line. Shit, it’s a good name for just about anything except a baby. Three Miami artists Michael Vazquez, Jose Felix Perez, and Christopher Miro produced five very wearable, super cool designs. When I first saw the site, I said out loud to my laptop: I must own you.

Vazquez, Perez, and Miro met at New World School of the Arts and were once a part of an art collective Guerilla Tactics with two other guys. Their artistic backgrounds offer them, according to Miro, depth, “They way we’re developing these shirts, the concept itself has depth.” They’re not totally in it for the money, but because money matters, buy a shirt at the Shoe Gallery downtown, on their online store, and soon on Karma Loop’s the Kazbah. We met with them at Lester’s to talk tees. Here’s part of what happened.

Who does the designs?

MV: We all contribute the designs. The process usually starts through a conversation. We brainstorm, come up with ideas, or often something will just hit us while we’re out living life or whatever. Through conversation, develop the idea, the imagery we want to use and what the shirt actually looks like. We’ll get source materials, images… a lot of the times individually, and then we bring it to the table.

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Vintage Women's Hygiene: A Hint in Confidence

The cover simply stating “A Hint in Confidence” – discreet, unsuspecting; Open it and an eminent authority will enlighten you you to the world of female intimate hygiene using lysol douche. For your health.

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Various accessories that might justify a rainy weather wardrobe

girl with yoga mat

There truly is no justifying my outfit today, but Amanda and I came up with a few accessories that might explain this look.

1. a yoga mat
2. a hospital bracelet
3. a sleeping bag
4. a bike helmet (with light still blinking from back pocket)
5. a SARS face mask
6. a boogie board
7. tissues
8. a dog leash

 

The Unbearable Tyranny of Polos and Khakis

It’s Summer, which for better or worse means it’s time for men to bust out their Khakis and don their polos before leaving for the office or country club. In a word: barf. In a lot more words … well, just keep reading for a little history lesson and a little commentary as to why no one (short of your dad) should ever wear either of these things.

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Best app ever and the only thing that relaxes me: Unblock Me

unblock me

So, I just got an iPhone. I hate it. I resisted getting one, but the battery on my old phone became round like a golf ball, so I caved. I pretty much don’t like anything about it except the internet access, and, well, I am in love with the Unblock Me app. It’s a better tool for relaxation than anything. Imagine a successful psychotherapy session to Getz/Gilberto, complete with inner child breakthroughs, at the same time receiving a deep tissue massage with aromatherapy oils, and someone’s feeding you mashed potatoes with good turkey gravy. It’s like heaven.

Unblock Me is simple. It’s an unblocking game where you have to find a way out for the red block in a bunch of other regular mean “wooden” blocks. I don’t like to talk about my gifted test experience with everyone, but whatever, I got in. However, when it came time to do the puzzles, the lady was like, “give up.” In college, when I worked at the Museum Company for a summer, I dabbled in these sorts of games since they pretty much only sold puzzles, fake Rosetta Stones, and generic jazz CDs. I wasn’t that bad at them anymore. I just had this idea in my head that I might be, but with practice, maybe I wasn’t that dumb.

Whenever I see one of these games, at someone’s house, at a store, I am determined to beat them. I usually do, but it’s always been something that’s caused me a level of stress and self doubt. With Unblock Me, I’m really using a whole ‘nother part of my brain. A part I never use. I look at it, and it requires me to not think, just watch. I just look and see where the blockage is, and move things around and then get that red guy out of there. And I win. Sweet success, all relaxation.

 

Clickable

This week in Miami, there’s some stuff to do! Today, you can still check out crazy, awesome, and dumb looks on Miami Beach, a few of which I captured here. Tomorrow is the Bonnie Prince Billy show at Sweat and, of course, the Literary Death Match right after at Churchill’s with judge Jessica Gross! On Friday, there’s Beats After Sunset at the Bass, but this time, Justin Long is the DJ. (Do you like how this whole post included only links to MY articles. Yeah, I liked it, too.)

by , posted May 30, 01:35 PM

Vote for Miami boy Juan Navarro's tee on Threadless

Writer and artist Juan Navarro has a very green green T-shirt waiting for you vote on Threadless. If he gets enough of our support, they’ll produce his shirts. Navarro not only has an awesomely named website, Fwacata, but he’s also the publisher of Creature Entertainment and creator of webcomics Zombie Years and VIGIL.

Vote for his design here.

 

Fashion people, listen up, C. Madeleine's is having a sale on Saturday

c madeline

You read right. The fanciest of vintage stores, C. Madeline’s, located all the way up Biscayne (13702 Biscayne Boulevard, Miami) is hosting its annual clearance sale extravaganza.

This is one of those rare stores you can visit and there’s something from every era, since the turn of the last century, for sale. And, you want to wear it all. I think I saw a crazy getup that Bjork wore in like a Homogenic video in there once. Like the actual item. Maybe I was wrong, but one thing I’m not wrong about is how awesome that stuff is. Thousands of items are 50% to 95% off. Get there early, people, ‘cause it’s a morning sale from 8am to 1pm.

 

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I really don’t know who would shell out $9,000 for a re-release of the watch JFK wore at his inauguration, the anniversary of which was this week. Now $5,000 for the watch worn on the moon? Wait, no, that’s still crazy. Apparently Omega really loves Kennedy (possibly too much) and mechanical watches are still way overpriced (unless they’re Japanese). Long post on watches a.k.a. man-jewelry forthcoming.

by , posted Jan 21, 01:16 PM

Grace Coddington and Muammar Gaddafi: obvious fashion icons

gaddafi
From UPI/Landov

Here are two wonderful fashion pieces the internet has provided us with that I hope you enjoy and take with you as you go through your life.

First, check out the daring duds of Libya’s leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi. It’s like Liberace, an old Jewish lady, a hotel room, and Gene Simmons came together to create these ensembles. Check out the captions. (Thanks, Eddie in London!)

I know the trans community is over it with me right now, but maybe the drag queens will cherish this amazing slideshow of drag Anna Wintour and (a thousand times better) Grace Coddington as much as I do. Vogue lovers and transvestites rejoice! This is brilliant.
(Thanks, Monica’s Twitter updates.)

 

Best 2011 New Year's gift: cats in fancy clothes you can't even afford

cat calendar

United Bamboo has created a stellar gift for the gay fashionista with a cat fetish, or me. It’s a freaking calendar with cats in preppy, wannabe designer duds, which costs $50. The things I could do with $50. I could probably neuter a cat, feed ten cats for five weeks, or say fuck it, and actually buy this calendar. That gray one that’s kind of ugly in the chonga-looking puffer makes me a little sick, but this slick dude up there gives me happy kitty feelings, as does the white one who’s not wearing the blue dress that well. Anyway. I’m glad the fashion world, or Thuy Pham of United Bamboo, is finally recognizing that: “Cats actually have good body proportions for clothing, and they’re adorably photogenic.”

 

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