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A brief review of Coco Nutz 'Miami Vice' Strawberry Colada Malt Beverage

Introduction:

The label states WARNING: CONTAINS COCONUTS, MILK. Which is to say: what? Do you mean coconut milk or both coconuts and milk? Because if the latter, that might explain a few things in regards to its awfulness.

Nose:

Mistolin, bartender’s friend, a heavily powdered abuela.

On the tongue:

You know how alcohol burns? This is not that burn – this is the burn caused by someone not knowing what they’re doing and then trying to cover up failure with aspartame. Notes of accidentally spraying sunscreen in your mouth.

Crunkness:

I’m confused how this is 8% alcohol? I’m also confused how these guys haven’t gotten sued yet by whoever actually owns the rights to Miami Vice nowindays? Anyway I couldn’t finish the 24 ounce can so I can’t confirm whether or not this actually gets you drunk. I get a headache long before I actually get girl drink drunk so I’m maybe not the right person to judge.

Verdict:

As smooth as Don Johnson’s chest. Today, I mean – not in 1986.

 

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I’ve taken to pronouncing it artis-anal myself.

by , posted May 3, 02:27 PM

Hogzilla's: bad name, good meat

hogzilla's

I’ve been very forgetful lately. It’s like I eat delicious meat, I rave about it, and then I totally forget that I’ve even eaten! Then I eat again. Point is, last week, I attended the “grand opening” or maybe “press opening” of Hogzilla’s. The name of this new South Beach restaurant is boner-killer, no lie, but the meat was superb.

Besides the hog, the best thing about Hogzilla’s is that it isn’t a chain. It’s a barbecue restaurant, and probably the only one on the beach. I lured my friend Venessa with the promise of free dinner and drinks. Luckily, I, well Hogzilla, delivered.

The second we arrived we bolted to the feeding station where a man dumped delicious pulled pork onto a bun and suggested some sauces. Sometimes pulled pork can taste like flavorless meat strings in a puddle of water, but these people really know how to pull pork. The sauces were also surprisingly delicious. There was a mango concoction and one that was Jack Daniels-y or something. Either way, all good. The food distracted us from the somewhat over the top “swampy” decor. It stops short of kitsch, but this is the new South Beach, one with like no gays and thus, little style.

We wolfed down bite-sized treats that a more obnoxious person might refer to as tapas, attacking every person with a tray with ravenous enthusiasm. The sides were good enough, probably better in larger portions. However, the gator sausage was so spicy, so good, I would have eaten the whole reptile myself.

I’m so glad I remembered to write this. I am a very hungry fan of swine and especially pulled pork. It’s really a thrill that someone this far south got it right, and really right.

Eat Hogzilla’s at 1555 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Bon appetit!

 

An Angry Man's Guide To Brewing Hard Cider

Cider. Nectar of the gods, or at least of people too lazy to brew beer. Technically all you need to brew cider is apples and sloth as you can run unwashed apples through a press then bottle the results after a few weeks. However, not everyone has access to a press, fresh apples, cheesecloth for straining pulp, and patience. So here is a quick guide to brewing cider that also serves as a good general introduction to homebrewing.

To start with: we are dealing with things that bridge the gap between “food” and “poison.” Everything below is to be done entirely at your own risk. In fact I will save you the trouble and say don’t do anything below. Just don’t. Go read a book or something. Preferably on Jimmy Carter, for whom we can somewhat thank for legalizing the forthcoming mess.

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Fucking turkeys: a good look at why we eat these guys on Thanksgiving

first thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, the mark of the beginning of the Holiday season. Families get together, food is cooked, fights are fought, and football is watched.

Thanksgiving is a pure American Holiday. It celebrates a commerce driven exchange between a weakened horde of white invaders that were given clemency by kind and peace loving Indians, only for the whites to gain strength so that they could make efforts to pillage, rape, murder, and steal.

Ironically, there is no word for irony in Wampanoag?

Nonetheless, the American tradition was born over a table of cornucopias filled with squash and fruits, deer steaks, and, most of all, the majestic American wild turkey. No other animal or food is so closely related a single American holiday such as the turkey is to Thanksgiving.

According to the National Turkey Federation 736 million pounds of turkey are eaten every Thanksgiving, which translates to a full twenty percent of all turkeys eaten in a given year (if you throw in Christmas and Easter, that number jumps to thirty-eight percent of all turkey eaten in only three days!). This means a fifth of all turkeys are eaten in one day.

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This crappy economy has ruined my relationship with the Food Network

julia child

Like the title says, this crappy economy has ruined my relationship with the Food Network. Maybe you can feel me on this struggle, or maybe you have big paychecks and aren’t obsessed with watching people garnish and saute.

During this economic downturn, I have sort of lost my taste – if you will – for watching people prepare food on TV. I’m one of those strange failed nerds who is obsessed with watching others put together delicious meals with not much of hope of ever actually cooking like them. It’s not like I learn nothing from watching. It is somewhat educational, but it’s also therapeutic.

Since I was a child, I creepily waited all week for my Saturdays when I could sit with a cup of tea and veg out on PBS cooking shows. Decade upon decade, I obsessed over Jacques Pepin in his lush garden, the Naked Chef making scallops fresh from the sea, that poor bald lady Lydia, and funny, kind Julia Child making pita with a man in a dress and his wife. I felt like these were my people, kindred spirits, except they’re like really good cooks who know how to gut animals, and I merely watch, drink my English breakfast, and salivate. So, not kindred spirits, but people who I wish were my friends.

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What, is Duff Goldman nice now?
Anyone know what happened between Ace of Cakes and Sugar High?

duff

Is it just me, or did anyone notice that Duff Goldman formerly of the Food Network program Ace of Cakes got a new nicer personality for his most recent venture Sugar High? Duff was kind of a tough cookie on his last show, easy with a laugh, but he seemed sort of holier than thou. His friend, who seem cool, were his employees, and together they made ridiculously extravagant, basically uneatable cakes popular. It was fun watching them fumble and brainstorm on how to make dessert look like crabs and corn and Wrigley Field. Charm City Cakes seemed like a nerdy fun place to work, but I just always had this feeling that Duff was not really all that nice.

Recently, After watching Andrew Zimmern barf up durian, I caught an episode of this show Sugar High hosted by a really enthusiastic and friendly balding dude. I was like, is that… No, wait, is it? Is that Duff? I mean, drastic personality change. He’s like bubbly and amped at all times on the new program. It’s either he hated being a boss, loves being on TV alone, or wait, is it that he has an actual sugar high?

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The taste of THL: cupcakes by Monica Carvajal, belles of the ball

The heat lightning cupcakes

Photo by Monica Carvajal. Look at those pretty bitches. They’re so sweet!

If you came out to What a Mission: THL’s Summer Extravaganza, you know it was true to its name. A mission for me, an extravaganza for you (I hope). Everyone involved contributed the fruits of their fantastic talents to make it a kickass party. I thought we’d first highlight one of the belles of the ball, Monica Carvajal’s THL flavored cupcakes. Monica wrote to me a few weeks ago and asked, “If THL were a cupcake, what would it taste like?” I told her they’d be spicy and nutty like a Mexican cocoa.

So, if you didn’t get a taste on Friday, here’s what THL tastes like: a caramel filled, cinnamon chocolate cake topped with a cayenne buttercream sprinkled with semi-sweet chocolate and red pepper flakes.

Basically, we’re delicious. Everyone loved them. We thought we’d ask Ms. Carvajal the deets on the only nourishment we offered at the party besides garnishes.

Liz: I know why you chose the flavor, but can you tell me why you chose those particular ingredients for the delicious cupcakes?

Monica: I wanted to create something that was little all over the place but still made sense all together at the same time. Different textures and colors and a flavor mash up, just like life, bro!

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I spoke with my friend Leo about his upcoming Motown Brunch at the old Spinello space happing this Sunday for the New Times. Read about it here.

by , posted Jul 13, 02:51 PM

Grey Goose summertime cocktails and boozy popsicles with an oddly shaped muddler

grey goose drink small

There’s really nothing more pleasant and satisfying than sipping on Grey Goose cocktails that you yourself have made, or that you’ve forced one of your best friends to make. I brought Venessa with me to a tasting and she put in the work while we both drank the rewards. It was awesome. Thanks, Venessa!

Here are some recipes for tasty cocktails and a Grey Goose popsicle you can make at home.

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Somehow, tonight has become one of the busiest nights of the month. WTF, guys? I guess it’s good to have options, but there’s only one of me!

Lester’s bar and coffee shop, which I wrote about a bunch, is hosting its grand opening with Adam Gersten of Needless Records and Danny Gonzalez of the Jacuzzi Boys DJing, and some readings and stuff. It’s a 13-hour affair that ends at 10 p.m.

At 8 p.m., run over to the de la Cruz Collection for some The End fun with Ingmar Bergman’s Persona and interpretive dance by Annie Hollingsworth and Rick Diaz, conceived by Isabel Moros. If you know Rick, you know this will be awesome! Also, David Alexander Bennett will be scoring the interpretive dance live on 102.3 FM. Tune in, dudes.

by , posted May 21, 03:53 PM

I Hate Brunch

The following, when combined, constitute brunch: Milk, Flour, Eggs, Butter. Possibly a vegetable or two to put into some eggs and/or a piece of toast.

Everything else is optional and all of the above are cheap. What are you paying for when you go someplace for brunch? Why are you going out of your way and dealing with a crowd on a weekend morning for a gussied up meal that’s usually pretty weak?

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Non-Dairy Creamer: A Chart to Peruse Over Your Morning Coffee

 

The most exciting thing in a long time: Chick-fil-A is offering free fries today

Sure Chick-fil-A is a creepy Christian org that’s not only closed on Sunday but hates you for who you are and what you do, but they sling the most perfect fast food in the universe.

Today, March 4, from 2-4 p.m., they’re hosting “Free Fry Day” and according to Burger Beast, all you have to do is ask for the new Heinz Dip & Squeeze. You’ll get one free medium fries.

Oh, those delicious waffle fries! I’m going. I am. Dadeland Mall, you’ll be seeing me at 3 tomorrow, hungry and asking for Heinz Dip & Squeeze, yo!

 

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The Atlantic points out that Bourdain-esque Foodies are at best hypocrites and at worst morally repugnant. The only stranger beast than the celebrity chef is the celebrity food writer.

by , posted Feb 13, 04:26 PM

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Stabucks’ new Trenta cup has something new going for it aside from its name: apparently it holds more than an entire bottle of wine. Try it at home kids!

by , posted Feb 5, 10:32 AM

Alternative Names for the New Starbucks Size

As pointed out by Sweat Records via the HuffPo, Starbucks is introducing the “Trenta” – a coffee cup whose volume exceeds that of the average human stomach. The following is a list of alternative names for this caffeinated bounty:

  • Ye Olde Coffee Flagon
  • The Renal Failure
  • Thirty Bathroom Trips
  • Sorso Grande (rough Italian for “Big Gulp”)
  • Nuclear Juan Valdez
  • The “It’s not that much when you account for the ice cubes”
  • Red Eye (of Sauron)
  • The Brown Horn of Plenty

Please feel free to suggest additional names in the comments. I can already hear the gears in Liz Tracy’s head working.

 

Misadventures in Baking - Bourbon Cake Recipe


*oui mais non

Our traditional family dessert has been, for at least the past 20 years, Rum Cake. The recipe was once regarded as a closely held secret until someone realized it was the same recipe that’s been circulating since the invention of boxed cake mix.

It boils down to combining the following in a bundt pan with some walnuts:

  • Cake Mix
  • Pudding Mix
  • Rum

You basically follow the instructions on the box of cake mix, save for replacing some of the water with rum. The resulting cake you slather the with a mix of water, sugar, rum, and butter and voila! Rum cake!

Googling Rum Cake Recipe will net you ten thousand variations of the above. “Rum Cake From Scratch,” however, won’t. So I sought to make my own version of the above without having to resort to using mixes. Also, I wanted to use bourbon rather than rum for the simple reason that I’d actually WANT to drink leftover bourbon whereas the rum I’d bring to a party as an excuse to drink someone elses’s booze.

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