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Take it and like it, an advice column: old and single, whadda I do?

advice

I’m over 30, straight, and no one wants to date me. I would like to procreate one day. What should I do? -One Sad Lonely Bitch in Miami.

Ah, you poor lonely bitch. It’s a tricky situation. First, I would recommend you get off of your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself – that’s not helping anyone. Not your friends, who have to listen to your bitching and complaining, and not YOU who has to listen to yourself bitch and complain. You have less time than you did ten years ago it’s necessary that you get your ass in gear. Guys are getting “better looking” and us ladies have a number of “clocks” to compete against.

Next, wear more blush. Blush never hurt anyone. Adding the rosy cheeks of youth will convince no one that you’re 19, but it will help you feel better and look prettier. Old isn’t a problem, but ugly never got no one nothing but pity.

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