“Tidy yourself up! We might be Czechs, but we don’t have to let the rest of the world know.” This is apparently one of the lingeringly popular jokes from The Good Soldier Švejk, one of the resounding classics of Czech literature. The fact that I don’t find it any funnier than you will tell you what you need to know about my embarrassingly sparse connection to Czech literature (if the fact that I had to Google it didn’t tip you off). With that serving as a pre-emptive appology, let me tell you as best as I can why Václav Havel was important (without any more Googling, I promise).

At the end of World War II, Roosevelt and Churchill sold my people out to Stalin at Yalta, and the big ‘ol Iron Curtain fell on us. And while it was a light-sneeze version of the Stalinist/Totalitarian sort of thing that they’re, for example, still living up in North Korea to this day, it was still a very different lifestyle from ordinary poverty. There’s an extremely real paranoia that exists, because even if you’ve never gone before the officials on charges that were made against you buy anonymous spies, you know that it happens all the time. Also, this: you can join “The Communist Party” or not. YOUR CHOICE. If you don’t join, the government and others in positions of power won’t trust you. You’ll be denied perks, career advancement, and safety. If you do join, you’ll loose the respect and trust of all your friends. Unless they’re all Party members too. But those are the people with sticks up their ass, right? You either sacrifice your integrity or you sacrifice your prosperity and comfort.

Hey everybody! Long time no see. I wanted to let you know about On The Fence, a podcast I’ve been doing for the past few weeks with Steve. Basically, we shoot the breeze about whatever’s going on in the world. Posted on Friday was yet another episode about the #Occupy movement, with Misael Soto on board for a first-person perspective. And there’s a new episode coming soon. As in tomorrow. Subscribe it in your iTunes, add it to your Google-plus-one, like it on Facebook, and retweet it to your followage.

Hey everybody, YOU can be in a Rachel Goodrich video. The shoot is this Sunday from noon to 6, and the info is on the social network. If you know how to juggle or anything I think they want to hear from you, and you might be featured?

There’s no shame in being an old white guy who used to be a big-time rock singer. There’s not even any shame in releasing albums of oldie covers when cultural relevance is decades behind you. So what is shameful? That would be when major national “news and information” outlets spend their limited cultural coverage on this has-been claptrap.

Significantly less funny then Atkins possibly dying because of congestive heart failure, but not without a double-scoop of irony: Segway company owner dies in apparent Segway accident. You can play this game all day. Here are the ways that some of our temporary heroes most certainly will not die:

• Tony Hayward, in yet another explosion while touring a BP oil rig
• Al Gore, crushed beneath a collapsing glacier
• Pastor Terry Jones, tragic cross-burning accident
• John McCain, shot accidentally by one of the Minutemen
• The guy from Man vs. Food, in any of a hundred different appropriate ways
• Any cast member or Jersey Shore, alcohol poisoning/drunk driving accident/in a brawl/skin cancer (the first two would also work for Lindsay Lohan)

Anyone else have any suggestions? General Stanley McChrystal? Stephen Colbert? Ann Coulter?

How about this: Like a phoenix rising from the heat of August, in September the Miami artwalk reinvents itself, and learns to fly anew. Ok, really the season more officially starts in October, and I got out of the house late and missed all the galleries around Snitzer, but all evidence indicated that Miami’s art scene really is becoming something. Here’s a spraycan-lid barfing skull by graffiti crew TYPOE at Spinello. Can you smell it? Stinks like Basel, baby. Basel.

Crystal Castles are a hot item, with a reputation about a wild stage show that precedes them, so their show in Miami this weekend at was widely anticipated. And so yes, CC brought it. Their music is equal parts dancy and abrasive, and Alice Glass has the sort of vocal intensity and manic stage presence that seems superhuman, in light of the fact that she’s been repeating it night after night, more or less nonstop for the last three years. In the end, though, their show left me with a disappointing aftertaste.

Doh, I forgot to add the video of Boise Bob and the Backyard Band to the Dorsch post. It’s up now, so go have a looksee.

Once again, the “best” of the “web,” presented for your clicking “pleasure.”

• Fuck the South. From 2004, it but still pretty much works. (via)
• Once every five years in Guardia, Italy, residents celebrate the Feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary with flagellation— photos from the NYT.
• Will America’s universities go the way of its car companies?
• It’s been too long since you’ve looked at English Russia. Go!
• Finally, a scientific look at veganism and the western meat-production system. (via)
• Mini-bolt: Robert Hobbs’ lecture on the contemporary sublime, tonight at de la Cruz.
• Speaking of de la Cruz, they have a restaurant blog? Looks pretty comprehensive for the neighborhood.
• I already told you, but you really should watch this video.
• At first I was annoyed when I went to Google today and they had just their boring ol’ logo, but then I started typing, and whoa!
• Ok, we already know that OKcupid thinks Liz is attractive-. You can learn even more interesting things from their blog — most recently what white people really like, but also lies people tell in online profiles (“80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender.”), how to take a good photo of yourself, and the numerical case for older women.
• Oh, also: the dance moves that make men attractive to women.
• Hipster Runoff celebrates the XX winning the mercury prize by referring to them as The Dos Equis.

Here’s something I noticed yesterday: The number of people living in poverty in Pakistan fell from 30% in 1999 to 17% in 2008. Of course it’s not doing so hot now, what with the Taliban resurgence, GEC (global economic calamity), and more recently the unspeakable damage caused by the floods. Still, even the 30% figure is lower then I’d have guessed. I think the reason is that we always hear it discussed together with Afghanistan, and assume both places to be roughly equivalent. Actually, the purchasing power equity-balanced per-capita GDP (PPEBPCGDP?) of Pakistan is three times that of its neighbor. There are parts of Pakistan that are hellhole-esque, but most of it is not that different from eastern Europe — a little dirty and revenge-killing-y, but with a bustling economy, a sophisticated upper-middle class, and ogles of culture.

Putting together a group show during the Summer is pretty obligatory for Miami galleries. That, plus all the closed galleries, make July and August artwalks usually worth skipping. Well, Dorsch was closed for August, but launched its September show early and with a bang — Bubble Raft is a collection of mid- and large-scale sculpture that fit really well with the five bands selected to play at the opening reception. The result was the sort of meta-cultural event that couldn’t have happened anywhere else.

For the first time, there are three women on the supreme court. The significance? “Having three or more women in a small decision-making group constitutes a critical mass that can transform the way that group operates.” Among other positive effects, “the small group as a whole becomes more collaborative and more open to different perspectives.”

I think the internet was more amused by the idea of Kanye’s New Yorker cartoons then by the actual result. But. Check out Jersey Shore mashed up with Family Circus for some primo yuks. (Thanks, Amanda!)

Just closed the Instruments of Torture exhibition at the Freedom Tower. Displays of torture equipment are popular tourist traps around Europe, but this was somewhat more upscale, on loan from the Museo Medieval in Italy and with many pieces from “private collections.” There was also a decidedly political bent to the exhibitions, and the informational panels never missed a chance to say that “It still goes on today!!!”

As a desperate attempt to get myself back into the habit of posting regularly before I end up on Liz’s permanent shit-list, here is the best stuff I’ve heard of on the internet last week. Let’s see how long I can ramble about each link? Score me one point for every one that made you say “huh!”, deduct one point for each thing you’ve already seen.

• The percentage of people who say they ‘need’ a microwave dropped to 45% this year, from a high near 70% in 2005. I’ve not had a microwave since I moved out of my mommy’s house, so I assume y’all are just playing catchup on the joys of reheating food in a cast-iron skillet and/or eating it cold? Also: note that if you take the slight decline for “computer” as a baseline, there is hardly any decline in people saying a car is a necessity, which is pretty depressing.
• Fucking amazing photos of the NYC subway from the 80s.
• The Marlins are screwing us. Shocker. I’m somewhat ashamed to be exited about the addition of the stadium to the skyline, even though I argued against the public funding for it.
• In defense of straight gin. I’m a do this up.
• Fuck you Facebook news now: FB is censoring what causes people can support on its pages. Words cannot express how happy I will be when the tide shifts away from this sorry blue monster.
• This you have almost certainly heard already, but Justin Bieber slowed by 800%.
• Books & Books controversy, Hamptons. I witnessed this first-hand, and I can tell you that the “other” bookstore moved off main-street — forfeiting the walk-in traffic that is the B&B’s lifeblood — before the B&B entered the picture, so their complaints seem a bit bogus.
• N Y OCT 29 [1971] / DEAR LUCY / THE ENEMIES OF WOMEN’S LIBERATION IN THE ARTS WILL BE CRUSHED. / LOVE, Nancy. Maybe the best evidence for the greatness of writing letters ever.
• Tips for ordering and consuming wine in restaurants. I love reading these lists, but it seems like unspoken rule #1 always is: be an expert at wine.
• Good Neighbors — semi-new fiction by Jonathan Franzen, who has a new book coming out soon.
• Color photos from the depression.

Updated. Thanks, commenters!

Wow, there are a LOT of concerts in September and especially October. Here’s your handy guide, repurposed from Misael, who you should follow on Tumblr.

• August 31: Hank Williams III at Culture Room
• September 11: Crystal Castles at Grand Central
• September 18: Surfer Blood and The Drums at Grand Central
• September 18: Toro y Moi at the Electric Pickle
• September 23: Neil Young at Hard Rock Live
• September 24: CocoRosie at Revolution
• October 2: Phantogram at the Electric Pickle
• October 5: Yeasayer at the Fillmore
• October 6: LCD Soundsystem and Sleigh Bells at the Fillmore
• October 14: Vampire Weekend and Beach House at the Fillmore
• October 15: Matt and Kim at the Culture Room
• October 16: Built to Spill at the Culture Room
• October 19: Caribou at Grand Central
• October 19: Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros at the Culture Room
• October 26: MGMT at the Fillmore
• October 26: Massive Attack And Thievery Corporation at Bayfront Park
• October 27: Phoenix at the Fillmore
• November 7: Wolf Parade at the Fillmore