Your 2015 THL Guide to Gifts For Stupid People
In which I wait as long as possible to mention hoverboards
Do you have a special idiot in your life? Are you in fact an idiot? Do you like blindly throwing money at things early every December? Then man do I have the listicle FOR YOU.
Remote Control Oscar Meyer Wienermobile
Are you and your loved ones serious about your wieners? Are you seriously serious about your vehicular wieners? Do you maybe have a dauchshaund you want to torment? Well only $25 separates you from motorized bliss.
This thing has popped up EVERYWHERE all of a sudden despite the fact that there are like a hundred or so better copper stills available on Amazon, not to mention plans all over the internet for DIY ones.
Fun fact: still illegal to distill your own spirits, and even if you do want to flaunt Johnny Law, you’d be better off getting one with a thermometer so you’re not drinking methanol. Or y’know just spend $200 on whiskey instead. I recommend Angel’s Envy.
A toy car that is steered by a captured insect
A car controlled by a living cricket is perfect for combining your Need For Speed with your urge to torture bugs.
Marshall branded home audio stuff
In the 60’s and 70’s Marshall became the go to amp company when bands started going from filling a room with sound to filling an arena with feedback. The phrase Marshall Stack having now entered the popular lexicon, the company sold their name to the same company that makes Urban Ears to huck low quality branded crap at places like Urban Outfitters. Y’know right next to those awful Crosley turntables that destroy your records.
Samsung Gear VR
Did you know that like every major tech company thinks it’s 1988 and is trying to make VR a thing again? Do you know they’re all kicking themselves because their products aren’t ready for this Christmas season? Do you know who isn’t kicking themselves because they brought a shoddy device that’s barely better than Google Cardboard to market just in time for you waste $100 on it? Do you know who will kick themselves if they buy this?
Side note: grandma using the VR helmet is still my favorite part of the Carousel of Progress.
70% of the market is crap and the remaining 30% is essentially an open beta. Even people who love the Apple Watch admit it’s not a fully fleshed out product yet. There’s also a pretty good chance they’re releasing a new one in a scant 3 months from now anyway, hence why the current gen is getting marked off by as much as 30% in some places.
A Potato With Something Written On It
This is a thing. I have no idea why. The Irish in me is silently weeping.
No, not a drone. This is a drone. You are not baller enough to afford an “unmanned aerial vehicle” (UAV) – you were shopping for a plastic thing with a few propellers that will buzz around like a bee swarm for 5 minutes before smashing into a wall and breaking. Much like the Smartwatch market, most of the available ones are crap your loved ones will immediately destroy. If you have to buy one, go as cheap as possible because it’s going to break anyway. Then add a flamethrower.
People aren’t really buying cars as “gifts” anymore than they are buying TV’s on Black Friday and expecting to wrap them up and throw them at someone. It’s almost always a family purchase they were intending to do anyway, timed to take advantage of year end sales on soon to be outdated models. So yeah by all means upgrade your (or more realistically your kid’s or spouse’s) ride this time of year, just don’t pretend it’s a gift while doing so and/or that you wouldn’t get a better price in a month when dealers are extra desperate to move cars.
Yep, A Hoverboard
I hoping that we look back at Christmas 2015 as the year we maybe realize that maybe buying endless knockoff crap from China isn’t the best idea because the shit might explode. I’m doubting it though. There’s a good article on where the hell these things came from here.