Image courtesy of Ivy League Boys
The following are 27 responses to 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man – published in the Men’s Style section of the New York Times 09/29/15.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
The modern man is married and obsessed with women’s feet. His wife is ok with this most of the time – his wife’s sister, less so.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
The modern man takes a lot of Zoloft.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
The modern man has impeccable impulse control, an affinity for liquid butter, and never watches a movie in which there is not a ‘ruckus.’
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
The modern man uses every part of the buffalo he murdered with his own bare hands. He is also at high risk for heart disease.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
The modern man owns a minivan and covers up his embarrassment by picking spots in the back of the lot at Target.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
The … what the fuck did I just read? Are you fucking kidding me? How OCD is the modern man, exactly?
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
The modern man is a goddamn soda nazi.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
The modern man is not a fan of the film Predator nor the works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, generally.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
If the modern man has a son, he periodically wishes he were dead.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
The modern man hates dishwashers. Just fucking HATES THEM.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
The modern man’s social media strategy is too next level for that shit.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Seriously does anyone remember Phil Hartman’s The Anal Retentive Chef? Go watch that now and tell me this character didn’t write this.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Wait, no, I think I take the previous one back.
Fun aside: no one in Wu Tang is a modern man.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
The modern man is too proud to admit he has no idea how to use his smartphone.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
The modern man rules by high fashion intimidation and potentially beats his children.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
The modern man immediately throws his wife out of a window at the first sign of danger.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
The modern man is basically Alton Brown, only boring.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
How the fuck else would the modern man get into his kenneth fucking coles a.k.a. his kid beatin’ shoes?
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
The modern man never says he’s sorry. Never.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
… those nights he isn’t a spoon at all and he runs through the back streets of the city seeking vengeance.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
Well the modern man WOULD have had he stopped laughing long enough to.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
The modern man has a suburban house and still kills trees for news. He has never heard of a tablet, yet based on the next item, owns a blu-ray player. The modern man doesn’t make any fucking sense.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
The modern man will talk your fucking ear off about Heat and is easily suckered into buying things at Best Buy.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
The modern man does not whine over things he does not have control over that are not sports.
Also god help you if his kid’s phone dies because he failed to burst into their room last night and make sure it was being charged.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Alright I got no beef with this one.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
The modern man runs out of Zoloft. He runs out of Zoloft often. This is at least partially why he can’t own a gun.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
… after which he pulls something and is taken to an actual clinic and is given enough painkillers to think the above is funny enough to end on.