Introduction:

The label states WARNING: CONTAINS COCONUTS, MILK. Which is to say: what? Do you mean coconut milk or both coconuts and milk? Because if the latter, that might explain a few things in regards to its awfulness.

Nose:

Mistolin, bartender’s friend, a heavily powdered abuela.

On the tongue:

You know how alcohol burns? This is not that burn – this is the burn caused by someone not knowing what they’re doing and then trying to cover up failure with aspartame. Notes of accidentally spraying sunscreen in your mouth.

Crunkness:

I’m confused how this is 8% alcohol? I’m also confused how these guys haven’t gotten sued yet by whoever actually owns the rights to Miami Vice nowindays? Anyway I couldn’t finish the 24 ounce can so I can’t confirm whether or not this actually gets you drunk. I get a headache long before I actually get girl drink drunk so I’m maybe not the right person to judge.

Verdict:

As smooth as Don Johnson’s chest. Today, I mean – not in 1986.