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Abel's 4,000 albums that matter: Part Twenty Three

While it would be appropriate to open with an apology for the duration of these sabbaticals, truth be told our humble narrator does not quite care to apologize as he hopes the domain name for this website goes into arrears soon and is no longer guilted into coming clean with his promise of four thousand records or some such shit. Nope. It doesn’t quite work that way save for his regular and progressively more offensive incursions into the realms of the English Language and Her Grammars and Spellings. Will there be salvation for our hero? Will he learn the true meaning of Christmas in the end? Will he have the will to forge on? Those questions and many more completely not answered within these digital pages today. As a matter of fact, they will go largely ignored and unnoticed like a neglected and unloved child.

520. THE HENTCHMENFORM FOLLOWS FUNCTION. This little gem of minimalist and primal rock and roll comes to us from the wintry wastelands of Michigan and it has been an album that I’ve enjoyed since my days scribing for the now-defunct Transform Online website; a webber that once prided itself in being Pitchfork’s only true competitor. But I’ve digressed, webmaster Tim Den is now a proud papa and professional dog walker in Chicago. Them’s the breaks.

521. RONNIE SELF – AIN’T I’M A DOG / ROCKY ROAD BLUES. This beautiful 45 from 1957 has been the blueprint for many a young man’s life since. While the grammar is completely questionable, shit, when you’ze a dog, you’ze a dog, grammar be damned. The B side is a fun number but you’ll be too into skirt-sniffing from the A-side that you’ll ignore it for a while. No sweat there.

522. TAPPS – MY FORBIDDEN LOVER. Canada was not so quiet back in 1983 and this 12” single from Tapps was sure to get any progressively polite household in Manitoba a-melting with its cheeky high energy primitive freestyle electronic. I had the extreme displeasure of having this platter grace my turntable via the audio-sabotage (audio-chuletismo) of Patti Her and Hugo Montoya. The singer though, was fine as Hell, polite too. Always a plus.

523. LIME – EL TELEFONO. Taking that stroll down YouTube revealed this other largely disposable disco number that is in no way shape or form as fun as it portends to be. Seriously? “El telefono?” And there’s only an occasionally cheezoid ringing going on? Granted there’s some chick going “baby baby baby” which is nice, I guess, but what a bummer of a track. And at eight minutes long, the whole cocaine/disco hand-in-hand thing begins to make more sense.

524. SCREAMING TREESBUZZ FACTORY. Their final piece for SST Records I believe, from ’89. The Trees’ moment in the Pacific Northwest’s music scene in undeniable. One of the few bands that got swept by the nascent grunge scene that did not blow up to Pearl Jam/Nirvana status. Regardless of which, always a solid listen and “Subtle Poison” is pretty much a summation of the Great Purge of 2006.

525. SAMHAINUNHOLY PASSION. The more I think about how everyone got on the fence after the Misfits split, the more I find myself going back to Samhain’s stuff. Dark, a little Gothic in a kitschy kind of way. Whatever, sometimes it is good company to a passable scotch and a breezy window.

526. CAVITY – GOIN’ ANN ARBOR / SOMETIMES SWEET SUSAN. I’m pretty sure this slab has graced this list before but I’m beyond giving a fuck and let’s be honest, dear readers (all three of you), were you keeping track? I wasn’t. Like I said, we’re beyond care now. Can’t listen to this disc without imagining Travis Bickle getting super creepy at a blue movie.

527. THE GREENHORNESGUN FOR YOU. Is it too soon to bring up guns? From the morbid end of a century comes this gritty garage number from them Michiganites who not unlike their brethren-at-arms, The Hentchmen, have had casual dealings with a certain Jack White before he became household name Jack White. Bananas. Grit like a dirty bullet and rocking like a lukewarm tetanus shot in a sore arm. Perfect for any kind of end. Preferably a romantic one.

528. FLYING SQUADMAYO. I don’t know much about this electronic outfit only that this 12” single is Italian in origin and it most certainly does not give off the jellied goodness a sloppily slathered mayonnaise sandwich would give. Why the fuck am I suddenly remembering all this electric crap?

529. THE DAMNEDMUSIC FOR PLEASURE. Only pop music can save us now!!! “One Way Love” is a ticket to ride and let’s talk about the cover. What the fuck is that cross between bad 80’s (which would’ve been future projecting and/or remote viewing on their behalf’s) office art and a copied Kandinsky? Don’t be a fool, don’t cry wolf.

530. PANTERAFAR BEYOND DRIVEN. Nobody wants to be a dick about this and Tom Smokedog already took issue with me concerning the “awesomeness” of this band, but truth be told I hated this album when it came out and I have not let it grow on me because I returned it immediately and went back to Vulgar hoping that the universe would work itself out eventually but alas, Dimebag had his card called so I’ll never know.

531. AALIYAH – S/T. This came out what? Like eleven years ago? I never got into Aaliyah because she was in that one vampire movie and quite frankly, having to imagine another evening at the Kitchen Club during the whole goth thing just plain gave me the heebie-jeebies. Oh well. Recently I heard the single off this album, “More Than a Woman” and I must (like a good Arab boy) give props for using Mayada El Hennawy’s “Alouli Ansa” as a loop in the track.

532. MANOWARBATTLE HYMNS. These metal nerds will always be known for their whole “death to false metal” stance but will they ever be known for a “death to D&D” slogan? Probably not. This, their debut album featured the narrative stylings of one Orson Welles, actor, on the track “Dark Avenger.” Nerds or not, that’s pretty fucking cool.

533. DEEP PURPLETHE BOOK OF TALIESYN. You almost want to be ka-tet with this business but truth be told Deep Purple is too far into the wastelands that not even the wolves could get them on a bad day. How’s that for tits? If you never believed before, listen to “Exposition” for therein lies the nature of the Beast. Proggy and dark enough to inspire evil thoughts, this is a good afternoon to early evening record to spin casually.

534. RINGO STARRGOODNIGHT VIENNA. One must respect the Beatles, dead and alive. One must not deface or mislead their covenant, one must bow eternally, head exposed upon their mystical graces and one must never under any circumstance allow false uttering of their hallowed names. One must break bread with other enlightened beings and share ones meager possessions amongst the believers. Offerings shall be made on Sundays during Magic 102.7’s “Beatles Brunch” and one must hold thine eyes closed throughout. Given the reverence I’ve just up-played for the Beatles alumni, can someone please explain to me why this album exists and why does it have one of the top ten worst covers of all time? Ringo, la cagaste. Oh wait, I get it. He’s wearing a star on his chest. But why is he sieg heiling?

535. SKREWDRIVERALL SKREWED UP. Let’s close today’s bullshit with a little controversy. Let’s be honest, Skrewdriver’s first album would’ve been an infinitely enjoyable platter if these fucking morons had not turned all white power and shit. Their cover of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is pretty righteous. Before all three of you readers get all riled up remember, Ian Donaldson died from injuries sustained in a car crash back in 1993. So cosmic/karmic justice was served.



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