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Abel's 4,000 albums that matter: part fourteen

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Part the fourteenth where our humble narrator and guide tries to posit certain tautologies concerning his interpretation of “classic” punk rock albums, excessively contrived “pieces of shit” albums “crammed down our throats” by that HIV-ridden whore of an era known collectively as “the early 90’s,” presents a number of excellent blues platters, reveals the truth behind the Buzzcocks’ continued successes, ends on a somewhat not-so-positive positive African note and sails into the oblivion of his clearly pathetic and lonely life in total defiance of the English Language and her Grammars and Spellings. Boasting more “mistakes” by the digital foot than any other website in the world, we soldier on! [This last statement has not been approved and/or endorsed by the high sheriffs of The Heat Lightning and related digital enterprises, AF] Touch!

326. THE MINUTEMENDOUBLE NICKELS ON THE DIME. Ahh… it only took three hundred odd albums to get to this, but how fucking awesome is this disc? Incredible. Flawless. And unfortunately, out of its forty-odd tracks, you only know the first five seconds of “Corona.” Or like a kid once asked, “ain’t that the Jackass theme song?” Indeed. So fucking good. All of it. Five cents deposit!

327. THE OBLIVIANSTHE SYMPATHY SESSIONS. Ooh la la! Dirty rock and roll with two guitars and a drummer and no bass anywhere and just dirty with scantily clad bitches on the covers and sneering disdain for youze who don’t get it. Crucial and necessary, for fans of Guitar Wolf [weary not, I’m doing a whole part of the list on them, yeeow!] and/or The Greenhornes… or for fans of good, sexy things. Nasty.

328. RUDIMENTARY PENITHE EP’S OF R.P. Kinda in the same vein of the Subhumans (UK) EP LP, Nick Blinko’s Rudimentary Peni collect most of their 7” work here. My favorite is “Hearse” but everybody knows that. Solid record.

329. SONNY RHODESBLUE DIAMOND. Lap steel bluesman Rhodes brings on the jams on this disc. Nice cover painting of him in a turban muy a la Basquiat. Relatively newish by scale (1998 I believe), but just goes to show you how much better the blues get when their interpreters age. Solid disc and a good intro for your ass.

330. LOS RATONES PARANOICOSHECHO EN MEMPHIS. My dad brought this one back for me from Argentina the year that it came out. Not as popular for some reason as other Argentine factions (and they have been around since 1984), but the “Paranoid Rats” bring on the jams in a very Rolling Stones kinda way. Loved this album ever since. You should too.

331. SLOPPY SECONDSKNOCK YER BLOCK OFF! First full length I owned by these punk drunk fat asses. Fun and good to drain bottles of Jack to. Was cool seeing them live at Churchill’s a couple of years ago. More entries on them later. This was my start. A regular man’s Poison Idea? Maybe. Pound for pound kinda.

332. TEGAN AND SARA — SO JEALOUS. Was I sexually diffused when I found out these cute siblings were in fact card-carrying lesbians? No. I still contend that sex will happen between me and these sirens. More than that “Walking With the Ghost” song, I find the whole album satisfying… even if my sexual desires stem [and reside] clearly within the realm of fantasy. Don’t worry, maybe when the unicorn comes by with my mail, I’ll snap out of it.

333. THE WAITRESSESTHE BEST OF THE WAITRESSES. Ahh… a little New Wave guilty pleasure. And another career cut tragically short by cancer. Buy this, download it, whatever. Patty Donahue had something sexy and hokey about her vocal work that worked. Uhm…

334. YOUNG JAZZ GIANTSYOUNG JAZZ GIANTS. One of the pleasures of reviewing music for some part of my living includes moments like this. When this disc came in the mail I thought it would be some ginchy little ploy to make me believe some young hip-hop types could play jazz. Wow. Was I humbled. Excellent fucking album of traditional jazz performed by a bunch of snot-nosed urban kids. Really, really fucking good. I highly recommend it and stand by their efforts.

335. CAPTAIN BEEFHEART AND HIS MAGIC BANDTROUT MASK REPLICA. Awesome album art, awesome album, awesome Beefheart… though admittedly, I’m a bigger fan of Safe As Milk, TMR is still an essential piece in any kind of collection that would consider itself a) modern and b) progressive. Crucial, crucial stuff. And fun! Quirky, exciting… I recommend it better on vinyl. Yeeow!!!

336. BUDDY GUY AND JUNIOR WELLS, FEATURING BILL WYMANDRINKINTNT ‘N’ SMOKINDYNAMITE. Excellent album showcasing the many, many talents of bluesmen Buddy Guy and Junior Wells. Recorded live in France I believe and featuring the excellent work of Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, this is a raw blues jam with requisite nastiness and soul-blistering you would expect. Credit Wyman for pulling this together. Excellent album. Necessary.

337. WIREPINK FLAG. Just to show you the arbitrary nature in which I recollect things, this album should’ve been listed waaaaaaay earlier. One of the greatest beginning to end punk rock albums of all time. Maybe it’s a little too arty for most punks, but sometimes it is also a little too punk for most punks and what the hell do punks know anyways? This album is the shit! And thanks to my friends over at Sweat Records I now have a copy of it on vinyl. Like God intended. Woo-hoo!!! And thanks to the Naples Public Library, I now have it on CD from their used books sale!!!

338. THE POP RIVETSCHATHAM’S BURNING: LIVE 1977 & 1978 DEMOS. Awesome “Wild” Billy Childish outfit pre-Thee Headcoats. Listen close, real close… cuz a lot of riffs were lifted from here by the Buzzcocks to make their own hits. Excellent piece of wax. Find it and love it. Stuckist!

339. HÜSKER DÜ — ZEN ARCADE. “Hare Krsna” and “Pink Turns to Blue.” Wow. One of the best double LPs of all time. Regardless of genre. Rock twisting and genre-bending uses of jazz and Mould’s psychedelia and weird piano things coming and going and here and there and maybe you’re turned on or not I don’t fucking know… all I know is the good rage comes through here. This is the real meal ticket. The good stuff.

340. SPIN DOCTORSPOCKET FULL OF KRYPTONITE. The only redeeming quality that this album has was lost on the piss-poor song “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues” which along with the cover photo are the only Superman references the album title implies. Thank you early 90s for shoving this down our throats. Thanks. This is what getting raped in the face is all about.

341. BLUES TRAVELERFOUR. And wouldn’t you have guessed it since BT and Spin Doctors are pals. Yup. More shit but with harmonicas. Who cares. Gimmie a real blues player any day of the week. This is like “Blueshammer” in Ghost World. Fuck. Touch!

342. PHISHRIFT. Walking into a horse’s ass would be a) cleaner, b) more hygienic and c) far more pleasurable than this shit. If you like it, I am sorry that you suffer from some kind of disease that has rendered your brain and musical taste buds useless.

343. SINÉAD O’CONNORUNIVERSAL MOTHER. Ireland has given us many, many wonderful things, like Paul Conley, John Brady, Guinness, Jameson’s, Stiff Little Fingers, The Undertones, certain U2 albums, etc etc. It has also given us really bad things like Sinéad O’Connor and Bushmills. I won’t drink Bushmills and I won’t listen to Sinéad O’Connor.

344. MARTIKAMARTIKA. What the fuck was this? “Toy Soldiers” got snagged up by Eminem and all of a sudden she was relevant again. I think my dad bought this thinking it would be “Cuban” music but boy was he disappointed. Horrible soft pop rock. Yeeeuch! She did kinda give me a hard on though.

345. ALICE IN CHAINSDIRT. Oooh, look at us, we’re so high on heroin and we have the worst problems cuz the kids can’t stop buying our records and we have so so so much money! Our lives stink! I’m moving back into my parent’s mansion. Boo-hoo-motherfucking-hoo! They should all get AIDS and die crawling on broken glass.

346. MAD SEASONABOVE. Do yourself a favor and reread entry # 345 and keep whatever little accent you used since it’s the same faggoty (and very very dead) front man. What a load of crap.

347. TEMPLE OF THE DOGTEMPLE OF THE DOG. I really wanted this one to succeed cuz I don’t necessarily hate Soundgarden and/or Pearl Jam. “Hunger Strike” was passable, the rest of the album was unlistenable. Horrid muck. Thankfully, they realized the same and never put out another recording officially. Thank you Jesus for little favors.

348. TOOLUNDERTOW. Magnificent videos, horrible horrible music. Opiate was a helluva lot better than this rank piece of contrived shit. Really though, the videos are incredible, awesome, the whole shebangabang, but the music is poorly executed and overbearingly lousy to the point of depression. My grandmother’s arthritic hip makes for better listening. They should make videos and let other bands score them. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

349. 69 BOYZ — 1999QUAD. Yup, the same people who brought you the urban dance craze, the “Tootsee Rol” also put out a full length album that should’ve been left on the side of the mountain to die of exposure. And then shot at point blank range just to make sure. This album gives African-Americans a bad name and leaves an acrid taste in Abel’s mouth. Yeuch!!!

350. DOCTEUR NICO & L’ORCHESTRE AFRICAN FIESTAAFRICAN FIESTA. Born in Zaïre (currently the not peaceful at all Democratic Republic of Congo ((DrmotherfuckingC!!!))) and known throughout Africa as the “God of the Guitar,” the venerable Docteur blasted many awesomely danceable and sexy records of African steady beat, world and jazz. This entry refers to the 1975 reissue of this disc and the track “Save Me” is an easy standout. Homeboy drank himself to death after label and third world troubles depressed the fuck out of him.

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