The National Basketball Association’s lockout has reached Day 151 (as of Oct. 30), and is stretching its way into the beginning of the season. Commissioner David Stern rubs his Troll fingers together after canceling a month’s worth of games, and counts the bars of gold he hides under his bed (totally not politically correct to compare a Jewish man to a gold hungry troll). Union Reps feel like the Three Billy Goats Gruff, asking to pass Stern’s toll bridge, while promising a fatter meal in the future. Yet everything stays status quo, and no resolutions are made.
While some superstars play All-Star events, make commercials mocking the stupid things that come out of their mouths, or sign fake contracts to play in Italy, there’s still the 400 or so other players twiddling their thumbs figuratively staring at the walls but actually spending lots and lots of time in strip clubs. I suppose the more disciplined players will spend their time in gyms trying to stay in peak athletic condition, but a lot of players are going to have to find ways to fund their addictions to Cristal, impregnating white women, and buying the newest Bentley in all 8 different colors.
So, before they have to declare bankruptcy and play in the Israeli Basketball Leagues, here is a short list of money making opportunities that put basketball player’s best assets to work:
Unfortunately for Home Depot, the NBA lockout will lead to a significant drop in step ladder sales. These guys can get to anything, I’ve seen it happen. Cabinet tops, ceiling moldings, or that corner of your living you can’t quite reach with a broom and there’s been a spider living there for three years and you’ve gotten used to him, even gave him a name, but now that the little guy is gone you’re pretty grateful.
Earthquake Emergency Beam
In college, I shared some classes with the basketball team’s center. All our classes were in auditoriums, and when this 7-foot 3-inch tall man would walk through the doorway, he still had to duck! Imagine various players being assigned to the most susceptible buildings, and the second the earth starts to move, they put their heads right against door frames to add extra support. This job is extra important now that New York City is feeling periodic rumblings.
Alright, so basketball players are tall. Let’s just get a general list of height based jobs out of the way now: picking fruit, rain gutter cleaner, popcorn ceiling remover, second story window washer, SUV roof washer, street sign replacer, Jesus on the cross statue forehead wiper, Chewbacca to your Han Solo, shoulders to stand on while jumping a high fence, and swimming pool depth measuring stick.
This may be specific to Manute Bol, who as a boy killed a lion with a spear while herding cattle. Either way, these men are modern giants, and I don’t mean that metaphorically. There’s still plenty of cattle in Africa, and villages everywhere could use some protection of their food or pets, I’m not really well versed on African attitudes toward cows. It’s also a great way to give to the people of Africa, especially since the NBA Cares program is on hold while the negotiations are still going on.
Believe it or not giraffes get pretty depressed. They mope around, picking at leaves, and periodically looking at their bodies in the far, far distance. It’s a tough life, especially if you need to scratch your ass with your nose that’s 10-feet away. A little known fact: a big part of animal psychology is being able to really look them in the eye while letting them get out their feelings about their place in the food chain. Ok, so I just made that up, but if it were true, then basketball players would be the perfect candidates to help Giraffes deal with their feelins.
Put your rocks away and don’t stone me just yet. Sure, Dennis Rodman or Shaquille O’Neal’s ruined the idea of any basketball player having an acting career (and anyone who wants to defend Ray Allen needs to watch Harvard Man). I’m thinking of one very specific role that every really tall guy should star in – you know the action flick, where they hero is in a last minute panic, and he has to stretch and struggle to reach something through a hole or under a door to turn off a bomb or stop the walls in a room from closing? Imagine if in that moment, he turns to his partner, Chris Bosh, and asks him to reach for whatever needs to be gotten. Credits.
Give Em The Finger
Have you ever seen the hands of a person who is 7-feet tall? It’s literally twice the size of normal human hands. Now take that gigantic hand, and think about the middle finger you could give your boss when you want to quit. Or to the girl who dumped you. Or the guy that gave you herpes. That’s making a statement.
Protest Sign Holder
This on is dedicated to Liz and her adventures at Occupy Miami.
I get it, it’s a protest, it’s about togetherness, unity, peace, and love. But still it does get disappointing when you spent all night coming up with clever slogans for signs, and find yourself behind the tall hipster with a neck beard. Now take that sign, and give it to a guy who can hold it ten feet in the air. Ignore me now capitalist fat cats! Well, at least until the millionaire basketball players gets back to playing a game for wheel-barrels full of money.