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Take it and like it, an advice column: old and single, whadda I do?

advice

I’m over 30, straight, and no one wants to date me. I would like to procreate one day. What should I do? -One Sad Lonely Bitch in Miami.

Ah, you poor lonely bitch. It’s a tricky situation. First, I would recommend you get off of your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself – that’s not helping anyone. Not your friends, who have to listen to your bitching and complaining, and not YOU who has to listen to yourself bitch and complain. You have less time than you did ten years ago it’s necessary that you get your ass in gear. Guys are getting “better looking” and us ladies have a number of “clocks” to compete against.

Next, wear more blush. Blush never hurt anyone. Adding the rosy cheeks of youth will convince no one that you’re 19, but it will help you feel better and look prettier. Old isn’t a problem, but ugly never got no one nothing but pity.

Our generation, more than ever, is overthrown with Peter Pan and Cinderella complexes. Men want to stay boys forever – fucking around and acting like they don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Meanwhile, lazy ladies expect Prince Charming to arrive knocking at their door and get down on one knee. Well maybe not the last part (we are progressive), but definitely fuck their brains out, treat them like a princess, and never leave!

My beautiful lonely bitch, you are also living in Miami and thus challenged even more with the hot-blooded, fuck-friendly friends we all know, love, and drink alongside. Some of these macho guys want the Virgin Whore, the innocent girl that fucks like a champion. This delusional and impossible opposite could leave any person confused, and that’s not your problem.

Being in charge of your sexuality is amazing, and getting laid is great! Just not when it’s at the expense of your standards. Selling yourself short will do nothing, but attract the wrong kind of person. So here’s my advice to you: quit your bitchin’ and get to working on you. The moment you start to working on yourself, and making yourself the kind of person you’d want to be with, is the moment others will want to be with you and treat you as great as you treat yourself. Stop throwing it around and your pussy stock will rise!

Another thing, don’t be so fucking picky! Give the nice guy a chance. I’m not saying it will always be a win (I’m also not saying make it easy), because more often than not, it will be a dud, but you gave it a shot. You will have learned you can still be open minded with dating, get yourself used to being treated with some kindness and not had to open those legs too early. It’s not about settling – it’s about compromise. You have to realize that your ideal ten won’t want you if you’re acting like a two.

Buck up, baby.

Send your many and odd problems over to mail@theheatlightning.com for some tough lovin’.

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Comment

This is pretty good advice.

— Chris · Sep 21, 09:33 AM · #

This is horrible, demeaning, and so fucking stupid…blush will make you feel pretty? Having a brain will make you realize that pretty is relative. And who gives a shit about the innocent whore that guys want? Guys are stupid and if you compromise/settle you’re just pretending to have something stupid advice columns like this one claim they know about…be yourself, being alOne is the human way, one day you’ll find someone or they’ll find you, if not you’re probably better off.

— And there was i.... · Sep 22, 12:34 PM · #

Got some advice for you: get laid and put on some blush already!

EAT · Sep 22, 01:43 PM · #

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