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I Hate Brunch

The following, when combined, constitute brunch: Milk, Flour, Eggs, Butter. Possibly a vegetable or two to put into some eggs and/or a piece of toast.

Everything else is optional and all of the above are cheap. What are you paying for when you go someplace for brunch? Why are you going out of your way and dealing with a crowd on a weekend morning for a gussied up meal that’s usually pretty weak?

This country has an amazing way of re-packaging peasant food and charging 4x what it’s worth. See the recent spate of southern barbecue places. 6$ jars of peanut butter. The list goes on.

So we find a way to dress up our betweenmeal. Your eggs come with crimini and an artisinal pear and arugula salad. Your pancakes are made with buckwheat. Somehow the coffee is still terrible and the mimosa is subpar, and for some reason you’re thankful you only spent $20.

The best part? You leave hungry. Always, and even more so when hungover. There is an inverse relationship between how much money you spend on brunch and how satisfied you feel as you leave.

Herein is my point: the best brunch is at home. Eat pancakes until you yak, make french press coffee or cafetera espresso, have people bring over liquor and go to town. Admit it: a mimosa is a screwdriver for babies. Pony up. Don’t be letting Jimmy Dean down.

Forgive the momentary transplant griping, but some of the best Sundays of my life were spent making brunch for anyone and everyone who wanted to stop by the house in Miami. They lasted all day and no one walked away dissatisfied. In Brooklyn? Good luck. Either no one wants to come to my end of the world or else people don’t think I’m fancy enough, despite never never having someone sautee blueberries with ginger and cardamom for them while they played Super Mario 3. Your loss people.

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Comment

Thank you, John. THANK YOU.

Dat Roro Kid · Apr 14, 09:29 AM · #

I used to think of brunch as a “New York problem,” but it has spread south, and west. It’s an everyone concern at this point.

I do, though, enjoy brunch out with friends. It gets you out of bed when you’re hungover.

EAT · Apr 14, 10:26 AM · #

JohnJohn – text me your exact coordinates and this Sunday we will bring the joy (and the subsequent bowel pain) to your neck of BK – 305.484.7708 – i’ll even create a frenzbrunch event on fb – just need your address, sir

— polo · Apr 14, 10:55 AM · #

I love breakfast for dinner, but that’s another story.

What about 94th Aerosquadron?

Aaron John Curtis · Apr 14, 11:02 AM · #

I love brunch. Maybe I’ll write a counterpoint to this?

Emily Sue · Apr 14, 03:57 PM · #

Emily, yes please!

EAT · Apr 14, 04:35 PM · #

Here, here, Mr. Spain! Took the words out of my mouth. There’s nothing wrong with the idea of “brunch,” but it has indisputably become a gimmick to charge yuppies more for breakfast. In short, brunch is for suckers. Just say no to brunch!

— Jimmy · Apr 14, 11:32 PM · #

Emily: bring it.

john · Apr 14, 11:45 PM · #

sorry, can’t relate. the brunch buffet and bottomless mimosas at the 94th aerosquadron changed my life. brunches at home are fun but a lot of work. i’d rather just make another trip to the omelette station.

— hillary · Apr 15, 11:01 AM · #

This article is really just arguing that breakfast should be made at home and that restaurants charge too much for food.

Most places that I know that serve breakfast do so until close to noon. They don’t jack up prices for this “service”. In fact, most places that serve a late breakfast seem to do so at a price that is the same or proportionately lower in price to the meals they serve after noon.

Eggs Benedict – peasant food? I don’t think I’ve seen peasants eating that or an egg white omelette with organic mushrooms, goat cheese, and basil, with new potatoes and rye toast.

No, I sense John Spain has a problem with people getting together with their friends and eating a late breakfast weekend late-morning/early-afternoon because he is a loner, he is curmudgeonly, and has few friends to eat a late breakfast with. That said, those qualities must assist him in conjuring up tired topics like lamenting the “brunch scene”, which is as tired as knocking hipsters in 2011, something, like brunch, which has been knocked around in blogs and books for at least nigh on half a decade.

I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts because I just woke up and I need food. I think I’m going to eat at the Greek diner down the street. If I order an omelette and toast, is it brunch or breakfast? What if the diner and the bistro both charge around ten bucks?

Snoozerama, John Spain.

Liz, are you this desperate for content?

— JOF · Apr 17, 11:24 AM · #

Wow. What’s actually kind of funny is that John has a lot of friends. I mean, he’s not at all an unpopular guy. He’s hosted many a nice 12-hour brunch at his former home in South Miami where scores of people have eaten his pancakes.

John also is allowed to write whatever the fuck he wants to on this site. We have shared ownership. If he wants to complain about hipsters in Williamsburg, he’s more than welcome to do so, even if it’s boring. Sure, he’s a bit of a curmudgeon, but we all are allowed our opinions.

JOF, I (sarcastically) love a guy who has not the nuts to reveal his identity.

Emily’s offered a counterpoint on the topic of brunches.

EAT · Apr 17, 03:54 PM · #

JOF you make several valid points, several points that are logically flawed, and a few points that aren’t really “points” so much are they digs at either myself or Liz. So all I can say is: meh.

john · Apr 17, 04:38 PM · #

usually id rather my friends, someone i know, or me handling my food. others can be expecting a stick and a whack!

nathan lam vuong · Apr 18, 02:37 PM · #

1 – JOF, bloggers and books have been knocking the brunch scene for five years?
No, they haven’t.

2 – “a guy who has not the nuts to reveal his identity.” Liz, as always, your turn of phrase makes me smile.

3 – John, Emily (and brunch) win.

Aaron John Curtis · Apr 19, 04:59 PM · #

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