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Tips on Relocating from Miami to NYC

Fundamentally Miami is not very different from New York. They are each incredibly diverse places with many people of different nationalities. Furthermore they are both places where things are “happening,” things like drug transactions and stabbings. Both also have clubs that you can’t get into. In essence, anything that’s creepy can and does happen in both, only with an added volume in New York and an added ennui in Miami. Thus creepy things in Miami just make you laugh whereas in New York they make you want to get in a shower with all your clothes on and never leave.

With that in mind please follow these simple tips to ensure a safe and rewarding relocation to New York until such a point as you give up and go back to Miami to live on your parents’ couch again:

- For ventilation purposes many apartments have windows directly situated above their toilets. Do not be alarmed by this or by the pervert that lives directly across from you – both are perfectly normal.

- You may notice a change in temperature that occurs across a period of time. Those wacky northerners call it a “Season”. Have one of them help you buy a parka and show you what a snow shovel is.

- If you own a dog, you’re a pretentious jerk. Seriously. Leave it with your abeula in Hialeah where it has a yard and you don’t have to pay people to walk it and clean its poop while you’re working one of your four jobs.

- Apartment rental is not much more expensive than in Miami but living spaces are generally smaller. Thus what will get you a one bedroom in Wynwood will get you someone’s closet in Brooklyn. Be prepared to sell organs if you want to live in a space that can actually contain a bed.

- Generally speaking people are much more polite here than in Miami. Strangers will acknowledge one another in public and taxi drivers will usually honk before running you over.

- Speaking of driving, you will notice a stark difference in driving style in New York. Miami drivers would, if given the opportunity, kill not only you but your entire family in the most painful way possible (boiling in oil and drawing and quartering are popular choices). In New York, the urge to kill you (and only you) lasts no longer than 20 seconds. In short – New Yorkers do not hold everlasting grudges or place curses on you because you merged in front of them.

- And finally – Kendall:Miami::Jersey:NYC only much worse. Avoid at all costs unless it is to play pinball.

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That photo is, like, my dream come true.

Dat Roro Kid · Jun 18, 09:29 AM · #

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