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Look at this asshole: Adam Carolla

adam fucking carolla

Back in the 90s, when casual misogyny was still considered sort of cool, Adam Carolla used to do this terrible thing on Comedy Central with Jimmy Kimmel called The Man Show. I think I caught the best-of episode once, and there were two funny skits (one of which, just FYI, involved something called a “wife-leash”) and an metric assload of offensive bullshit with no redeeming value.

Well, this asshole is back, and it’s a happy reflection on our society that the best he can do to drum up attention for whatever crap he’s doing now is to write guest columns on Gizmodo. So! About what will we have the privilege of reading Adam Carolla’s opinion? Believe it or do not, but he’s writing about how great electric toothbrushes are:

But I mean, if you think about it, it’s in your hand two times a day, hopefully. And it really, you know, it could be the difference between you getting laid and you not getting laid.They’re cheap. They’re easy. They’re plentiful. (Get a couple replacement heads.) They charge…I don’t even know. Whatever battery technology we’re using in electric toothbrushes we have to move over to automotive application because I’ll charge mine up and then not put it back on the charger for two years. And it just sits in a pool of water on the side of my counter, and it never dries out, and it never goes south and it never ends. So for me, the electric toothbrush. A lot of good ones are out there. And cheap.

Rocking your world yet? Well. I’d like to ask Adam Carolla just how lazy he is. I mean, moving your hand back and forth? Too much work for him? Let me tell you — there’s a reason his stomach is obscured in shadows in his publicity photo, and actually I believe that a little bit of movement would do him good. (It might even make the difference between him getting laid and him not getting laid, but who knows how it works for aging former TV-stars?) Between you and me, I have tried electric toothbrushes and I ended up going back to my Oral-B cross-action (the plain one, without the weird rubber tentacles) because it works better. Do not be so lazy, Adam Carolla.

But And Adam Carolla does not stop at telling us we should all get an electric toothbrush, no. We also should all get a cordless drill. Fine, whatever. I have a drill that plugs in, and I like it just fine. Cordless drills are heavy and annoying and always dying just as you’re getting started. I plug it in. I own a fucking extension cord. If Adam Carolla prefers a cordless that is just fine with me, but there is absolutely no good fucking reason for him to not be shutting his trap about it.

And holy smokes, I just noticed links in the sidebar of the article. We have the opportunity to see (video, I hope!), “Adam Carolla Complains About Apple,” and “Adam Carolla Complains About Technology.” I’m ok for now, thanks, but the next time I’m feeling guilty about shanking a hobo or something I’ll know where to go to punish myself.

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See, there’s the trouble with you dickless feminazis: No Sense of Humor. Corolla and Kimmel were tremendously funny on The Man Show, nailing it on the head damn near every time with their cheap jokes mixed with insightful satire. But you need to lose your attitude before you sit down and watch, and that’s tough for the readical Birkenstock-over-unshaved-shins crowd.

As for the electric toothbrush, I switched under protest several years ago….so far it’s saved me from hours-long sessions in the dentist chair and probably a root canal job.

squathole · Jun 9, 05:34 PM · #

Isn’t that a picture of Norm Macdonald?
Norm Macdonald as Burt Reynolds on SNL > everything Adam “Toyota” Corolla + Jimmy Kimmel have ever done

— Jimmy · Jun 9, 06:09 PM · #

Squathole, I sure hope you were holding your pinky out when you poured that insight.

Otherwise, word.

— This is easy... · Jun 10, 12:25 PM · #

“Readical Birkenstock-over-unshaved-shins crowd,” that’s brilliant! But still, Adam Corolla can suck it.

EAT · Jun 10, 01:53 PM · #

Whatev – Squathole things “Used Cars” is the funniest movie ever. Nuff said.

— alesh · Jun 10, 02:56 PM · #

Adam Corolla is great. And just because he fell off your hipster radar doesn’t mean he was ever gone, he was on one of the biggest radio shows/stations for the past few years, filmed a few sitcom pilots, etc.

— test · Jun 16, 09:31 AM · #

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