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Touch of the needle

I have never gotten a tattoo for one reason and one reason alone — I have a mysterious and deep-rooted fear of commitment. Wait, I just lied. I also am also deeply obsessed with my own skin, but that’s another story for a later time.

Did I once think that only ugly girls get tattoos?

Yes, I did. I’m sorry, but I have to be straight with you. In the late nineties, a lot of real scary looking chicks were getting inked. Of course, I know now that my former belief is untrue, but only because of this new study from the University of Wroclaw in Poland, which proves that it don’t matter if you’re hideous or a cutie, all sorts of women get tatted up! On the other hand, this study does demonstrate that hotter dudes get tattoos, which I feel like I’ve known all along (what up, my exes).

Back when I turned 18, every one of my friends started in with the body art or piercings. Luckily, I had the good taste and foresight to get only my nose pierced. Commitment? Not even. I could pull that baby out anytime I wanted. The truth is, twelve years later, and it’s still in my nostril. I basically have given myself to it, even though it rings a bit mid-nineties. So, why haven’t I gotten a tattoo?

It’s come to the point where I’m almost too old to start getting them, but still, I find myself thinking I might be ready to settle down with one. I imagine rolling over in bed onto my arm, a smile slowing spreading across my face when I catch a glimpse of the what-ever-it-is etched forever into my flesh. We’ll go places together! We’ll create memories of shared experiences; memories that will last forever.

Basically, I’ll get a tattoo instead of a man.

Immediately after I was shot through the nose with a needle, I thought to myself, that was easy! Now I’ll get a ton more! Again, luckily, I realized all other piercings had even more questionable staying power, so I left it at just the one.

Not long after, my fears of body alteration grew. Everyone eventually (and wisely) began popping out their zitty-looking eyebrow barbells. I started to fear the whole process, but I guess as my peers now are starting to get divorced, tattoos are starting to look like the sexier commitment, is all I’m saying.

Hats off to The Awl for the heads up on the tat article.

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Comment

Any prospective tat has to pass the “will it get me beat up in jail?” test. 99.99% of them fail.

— Robieman · May 10, 11:33 AM · #

Ok, so no pink triangles, rainbow flags, swastikas, broccoli, butterfly or vegan tattoos.

EAT · May 10, 01:26 PM · #

i’m sure this loses it’s ‘meaning’ when it’s used as a batter bullseye.

— monica · May 10, 04:21 PM · #

Damn, Monica. That took me a long second to figure out. Nice!!!

EAT · May 10, 07:37 PM · #

i think it’s funnay that yknow how you regenerate all the cells in your body every 7 years but tattoos last..longer. that’s funny

— nick · May 11, 05:00 AM · #

Before I got a tattoo, it seemed like such a huge commitment. I didn’t want to be stuck with some awful thing for life. That’s probably why it took me until I was almost 30 to get one. But now that I finally did it, I can’t understand why I ever took it so seriously. It truly made me just lighten up – you know, life’s short – what the hell. As long as it isn’t a swastika on my forehead…

— Emily Sue · May 19, 05:59 PM · #

Nicky, you make me laugh.

Emily, I do need to lighten up!

EAT · May 19, 06:38 PM · #

are you calling me ugly again?

— stefan · May 25, 12:36 AM · #

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