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Your 2015 THL Guide to Gifts For Stupid People
In which I wait as long as possible to mention hoverboards

Do you have a special idiot in your life? Are you in fact an idiot? Do you like blindly throwing money at things early every December? Then man do I have the listicle FOR YOU.

Remote Control Oscar Meyer Wienermobile

Are you and your loved ones serious about your wieners? Are you seriously serious about your vehicular wieners? Do you maybe have a dauchshaund you want to torment? Well only $25 separates you from motorized bliss.

Other things representative of how seriously we are taking gift giving this year after the jump.

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Man But Man This Is Being A Dumb Week

In which I willingly ignore ISIS and/or Trump.


Get Out Of Jail Free Friday Links
Did we say jail? We meant work. Go home now.

Yeah we’re over this week too.

  • Tenugui are strips of cloth that were traditionally to Japan what the bandanna was to the American west – versatile, always accessible, and useful beyond just tying something up or drying your hands. As time passed, Tenugui’s prints became more complicated and their role shifted from utilitarian staple to fashion accessory. Read more about their history here.


Lamar Odom and the Wondrous Loyalty of the Kardashians

Tuesday night, I laid alone on my tiny couch and browsed the channels till I settled on E!’s Keeping Up with the Kardashians. After a minute of shedding any self-judgement, I seriously thought: If I die tomorrow, I’m OK with having spent the final night of my life watching this. Perhaps it was a form of reality show foreshadowing.

As it turns out, that was probably the last conscious night for basketball player Lamar Odom, the almost ex-husband of the youngest Kardashian, Khloe. His basically lifeless body was found at Dennis Hof’s Love Ranch “brothel” in Nevada. Since then, what I can gather is that he’s in some stage of multiple organ failure.

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27 responses to the New York Times's 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man

Image courtesy of Ivy League Boys

The following are 27 responses to 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man – published in the Men’s Style section of the New York Times 09/29/15.

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

The modern man is married and obsessed with women’s feet. His wife is ok with this most of the time – his wife’s sister, less so.

Rest are after the jump.

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30 is the new 60 - A Very Golden Girls Pile o' Links

Allow me to recount a conversation Liz and I recently had:

Me: Is there a show based in Miami that’s funnier than Golden Girls?
Liz: There is no funnier show ever.

So in honor of the show’s debut 30 years ago this week, links ahoy!


Stephen Parr and the Peculiar Archives of Oddball Films Come to Miami
Screening This Weekend at O Cinema and the Frost Museum of Science

“The transition of film,” says Oddball Films owner and eternal archivist Stephen Parr, “and its 100-year plus longevity, to the ever-changing formats of digital media bring speed, lower cost and worldwide distributability though the trade-off is now everyone is an archivist, constantly migrating data from format to format, device to device.”

This lament might sting purists who long for streamlining and clarifying the ever-increasing muck of hubris clogging up the binary pipes of the modern, digital world like a dutiful librarian. But it is especially topical coming from a man who began archiving bizarre, oddball, one-off, and just plain eccentric moving images a little over 30 years ago.

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A brief review of Coco Nutz 'Miami Vice' Strawberry Colada Malt Beverage


The label states WARNING: CONTAINS COCONUTS, MILK. Which is to say: what? Do you mean coconut milk or both coconuts and milk? Because if the latter, that might explain a few things in regards to its awfulness.


Mistolin, bartender’s friend, a heavily powdered abuela.

On the tongue:

You know how alcohol burns? This is not that burn – this is the burn caused by someone not knowing what they’re doing and then trying to cover up failure with aspartame. Notes of accidentally spraying sunscreen in your mouth.


I’m confused how this is 8% alcohol? I’m also confused how these guys haven’t gotten sued yet by whoever actually owns the rights to Miami Vice nowindays? Anyway I couldn’t finish the 24 ounce can so I can’t confirm whether or not this actually gets you drunk. I get a headache long before I actually get girl drink drunk so I’m maybe not the right person to judge.


As smooth as Don Johnson’s chest. Today, I mean – not in 1986.


Help John Name This Cat!

So John has a new cat. A new nameless cat who is still recovering from a head injury, thus the Victorian neckskirt.

Won’t you help John name this cat?

John’s friends, who happen to all be completely insane, have already started the ball rolling with 70 or so suggestions. Vote on them to your heart’s content here or feel free to add additional suggestions at the bottom of the form.

Please, won’t you help name this cat?



by , posted 1318 days ago

Music Still Sucks

I once referred to The Grammys as the celebrity zoo because it represented a room full of people whom contribute very little to anyone’s life save for giving them something to look at.

I’m not sure there was ever a point in time where this wasn’t the case although I’m sure it’s more true now than it’s ever been given the nature of pop music spectacles and the respect doled out for personal brands rather than artistic output. For some reason I saw the democratizing influence of the internet eventually changing that equation somewhat.

Meanwhile Drake is feuding with someone in this extremely internet savvy meta way while at the same time we’re at something of a nadir for artists actually being able to get paid for their work. I think it’s safe to say I was wrong?


An Idiot Argues About Comic Book Movies, An Old Man Yells At A Cloud

With the release of what appears to be a terrible new Marvel film, let’s just go ahead and run down everything unbelievable about Marvel’s mismanagement of its own film properties.


Your Wednesday List Of Things You Can Spend Money On (But Probably Shouldn't)

$13,900.00 gets you all this!


The Future

I woke up this morning to a faucet the cat had turned on and left running. I heard it from my bedroom and for a moment thought my roommate was taking a shower but instead walked into the eerie sound of quickly flowing water in a dark kitchen. I hit the switch praying it wasn’t a leak and instead found a sink that had been running hot for so long that the entire fixture was warm to the touch.

I fed the cat and sat down with my coffee to read about the rents that were recently disclosed for new affordable housing being constructed in Brooklyn. A 2 bedroom is approximately what I and my roommate (over)pay for my apartment now.

Searching Kickstarter for the word ‘smart’ returns 14000 Google hits. In the first 10 pages we had doorlocks, TVs, “home interfaces,” irrigation controllers, suitcases, office desks, water bottles, screen protectors, bike locks, homes, plates, lamps, outlets, bags, badminton rackets, phone batteries, belt organizers, baby seat alarms, skipping rope, paddleboards, energy sensors, shoe insoles, herb gardens, pens, a trashcan/vacuum combo, thermal imagers, nannies, earplugs, kegel excercise aids, thermometers, bedding, toys, laptop stands, and wallets.

Meanwhile no one can afford to live anywhere and my “dumb” faucet was defeated by a cat.

We’re living in the future, people. Hope you’re having fun.



Doonesbury – April 5th, 2015. Somehow this has only gotten worse.

  • Two dolphin species form alliance and have sexytimes. It’s like an oceanographic key party out there.
  • ‘Why I Deleted Your Band’s Promo Email’ – via The Morning News
  • Cosby’s people seem to be confusing ‘proof of criminal activity’ with ‘proof of being a sociopathic predatory skeezwad.’ What I love most about this is that there’s really no need to editorialize the statements here – they’re so plainly indefensible that only someone getting paid an insane amount of money by said skeezwad could defend them.
  • The theme of this week’s news seems to be “assholes who won’t shut up.” I don’t have a link for this as I’m going back to pretending Donald Trump doesn’t exist.
  • The last time I was in San Francisco I got kicked out of a bar in the mission in the early evening. As I walked down the street giggling drunkenly with friends, a lesbian couple glared at us as they were taking out their recycling. One was wearing a jeweled bindi on her forehead and a look of utter disgust on her emaciated, presumably vegan face. I have never felt more despised and cared less about it. Anyway San Francisco is where good ideas go to die and is more than a little fucked.
  • In closing I worked real real hard on this mix and you should listen to it, dammit.

by , posted 1337 days ago

THL Mix Summer 2015 - Featuring new tracks from Tame Impala, Ratatat and More!

The Heat Lighting – Summer 2015 Mix by John S. on Mixcloud

Fancy a little weekend music? Featuring Plaid, Boxed In, Tame Impala, Ratatat, Beat Spacek, Michna, Chrome Sparks AND MORE.

Full track listing after the jump.

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Being single and poor: a link list

  • I get what this NY Times article is saying about being romantically involved with someone uncute, but I still want to be the ugly one in my relationships. (Maybe this is why I’m single?)
  • Congrats to Lindy West on her marriage. She looked beautiful in the photos. I have to say that you don’t have to have ever been properly “fat” to relate to this nonsense: “I’ve dated men who relished me in private but refused to be seen with me on the street, or who told me, explicitly, that we had no serious future because they were afraid their friends would laugh at them.” Men are just despicable generally. (No, wait. This is why I’m still single.) Also, I’m both offended and now hungry thanks to the hot dog ad in the middle of this article. WTF?
  • I don’t have time to read this Tim and Eric interview, but you should. Then tell me about it after.
  • Finally, researchers have taken on the heavy (or unfortunately light) topic of what makes a wiener attractive.
  • This is why you’re poor, your mama was poor, and your kids’ll be poor: “‘Following your dreams is dangerous,’ a 31-year-old woman who runs in social entrepreneurship circles in New York, and asked not to be named, told Quartz. ‘This whole bulk of the population is being seduced into thinking that they can just go out and pursue their dream anytime, but it’s not true.’”


Goddammit Tallahassee

Tallahassee is so close to being great as to be unbelievably irritating. Like a mistake in an otherwise beautiful painting you can’t take your eyes off of.

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